How Do Alcoholics Manipulate Others

Manipulating AlcoholicI don’t think that alcoholics are consciously aware of how they selfishly manipulate others. I’ve heard so many reformed problem drinkers express remorse for how they acted during the days when they were at their worst. Having been addicted to alcoholic myself and having lived with several addicts, I understand what some of the ways are that substance abusers manipulate others.

Substance abusers will play the blame game in order to get people to feel guilty. Problem drinkers blame others for their problems all of the time. The person being put down will oftentimes do things for the alcoholic in an effort to win their approval. The more the addict points the finger at someone the harder that someone will try to make the substance abuser happy. Most of what you are being blamed for isn’t your fault. So, don’t let them get you down.

Addicts us anger as a manipulative force all of the time. Here again, we get caught in this place where we want to get along with the alcoholic, but no matter how hard we try, they always are upset with us about something. Refuse to argue with them!

Problem Drinker Manipulating Through GuiltSelf Pity
Poor little old Jimmy, life has just dealt him a horrible set of circumstances. He can’t pay his rent because someone stole his wallet. He needs to borrow money for groceries. He bounced three checks because his boss hasn’t paid him in two weeks. He needs someone to take him to work because he overslept again. If he walks to work, his boss is going to fire him because he’s been late three times this week already. Stop being an enabler and let the alcoholic suffer the consequences of his/her actions. Don’t let the alcoholic manipulate you through making you feel sorry for them.

Creating A Sense Of Urgency
Can I please have an advance on my paycheck? I’m three months behind on my water bill and they are going to turn it off today. Can you come pick me up right away? I missed the bus because I looked at the wrong time slot. If I don’t get to this job interview on time, I might not get the job. If you say no, the alcoholic may get angry, a manipulative technique. Have you ever heard the saying, “bad planning on your part doesn’t constitute an emergency on my part”. We don’t have to feel guilty when saying no to an alcoholic.

Alcoholic Liars
They will bend the truth or just flat out lie in order to manipulate people into doing things for them.

Not Answering The Phone
The only thing I can think of here is I was with an alcoholic once who had left his kids with his mom to baby sit. He was supposed to pick them up at 5 in the afternoon. He decided he wanted to stay at the bar and party for a couple of more hours. So, he turned off his phone. His mom had no idea where he was or what to do with his kids. He knew that she wouldn’t tell him she wouldn’t watch the grand kids again because of what he had done because she loved spending time with them.

There are just countless ways that alcoholics manipulate others. I think the trap we have to be careful not to fall into is continually trying to win the alcoholic’s love and approval. The worse they treat us the harder we try to make them happy. We cannot make them happy so stop trying to. Consider working on making your own life happy instead through letting go of the problem drinker and enjoying your own life.

We also have to make up our minds that we will not allow the problem drinker to make us feel guilty. Don’t be manipulated through guilt. We have to see the truth in situations. Most of the things the alcoholic tries to blame us for have nothing to do with anything we have done wrong.

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75 comments to How Do Alcoholics Manipulate Others

  • Debbi

    To DWere:
    Get the book “Under the Influence”. Helps you understand and might help you with your anger. The first couple of chapters explain the no-eating, because the mucous membrane lining in his stomach is irritated. My gosh I can’t believe if he drinks that much he is ever sober–you are dealing with several problems with his cancer too. Unfortunately he may not survive especially since he continues to drink & you have to be prepared. DO NOT take anything he says about you personally & especially DO NOT accept any blame. If you had the cancer–trust me, he would not stay by your side, so you are a wonderful woman to do that for someone who is continually harassing you. I can tell you–you are wonderful to stay & help but keep your interaction with him at a minimum. You are in my thoughts.

  • DWere

    Thank you Debbi, I really appreciate the feedback. Yes he has more issues than the alcoholism and cancer, copd/emphysema to name just a few. More CT scans tomorrow. His days are numbered, I know that and I think that is what angers me the most, that our last days how many there are left, are spent this way. I know that in his own way he loves me as much as an alcoholic can love, it just hurts. When I am hurt it comes out in anger and I just for the most part keep it to myself and pray for strength. I am so happy to be here I can not tell you what a relief it is here…Although I am sad for all of you as well and my heart and prayers are with you all too. And it’s funny you should say that…the other day I thought the same thing, if the shoe were on the other foot, I do not believe he would be here to support me it would be way too much for him to deal with. My brother is an alcoholic but I have never been around him for long periods of time to know what it is like to actually live full time with one. My sister in law drinks right along with him so they are a perfect pair in that sense of the situation. This is all so new to me and every day it’s something else. I second guess myself daily…did I do that…no I didn’t do that or mean it that way etc. etc. etc. And then I think about whatever it is he has said to me and know that I know that either I told him something to remind him or that I didn’t say something in a way he took it…Someday’s it is sooooo frustrating and confusing!

  • Dale Were

    Please…call me Dale

  • Josey

    Fun with alcoholics

    I recently had one of those entertaining interactions with an acquaintance, a “30 years sober” alcoholic, who put me into awkward position where he wanted me to not betray the fact that he had stolen something.

    The alcoholic and I have a common friend, a 70-year-old vet, who by chance was given care for a medal and some personal items of a WWII vet who served in Iwo Jima. The medal commemorated the battle. I researched the WWII vet and found out he had no surviving family but was buried in a veterans cemetery some 50 miles away. I suggested to my 70-year-old vet friend that we take a trip up there an unite the medal with the soldier – sort of tie up a loose end. He thought is was a great idea but we never managed to get the little project going.

    It so happens that the alcoholic friend was going up to the cemetery was a woman we knew. She was going to place her father’s urn up at the cemetery. I met with her and the 70-year-old vet and suggested that this might be an opportunity to reunite the medal with the buried marine. She agreed and took the medal and personal items.

    A few days later I see the alcoholic again. I ask him: “So was she able to reunite the medal with the Marine?”

    He came close to me an in a hushed whisper said: “Don’t tell anyone but I kept it. They can’t dig up the body and it would be stolen if we left it there.” He hesitated, then went on. “Beside, I collect memorabilia.”

    I got two things out of this. One, the guy is a scumbag. He never had any intention of letting go of the medal. Two, being an alcoholic, he was going to try to enlist me into his theft by telling me of it and justifying it “in confidence”. Later when news came out, he could blame me for breaking the confidence instead of taking responsibility for his theft.

    Games people play. I told my 70-year-old vet friend who had handed over the medal and personal items the first opportunity I could. Sadly, the woman blamed herself for handing the medal over to the scumbag. I did the best I could to reassure her that it is not her fault.

  • Kate

    Hi all, new here & at my wits end. My best friend is in her 3rd relapse from alcohol over a span of 4 weeks. She went back to rehab again this morning. I need to distance myself from her because I figured out that I’m a co-dependent and can’t let go. But what do I do when her family (who lives an hour away) ask me to check on her because I’m closer? I can’t say no because I care about my friend too much but I’m just so physically and mentally tired of running to her aid –and there’s a new drama everyday. Any advice? I love her & her family but don’t know if I can keep up this pace.

  • Dale W

    Hey guys, it’s been a long time since I have been on, my husband did pass away on July 9th. To answer your question Kate, tell the family to go and check on your friend. I did this for 3 years with my husband alone, and his family was close enough where they could have helped and they didn’t. You can not do this alone nor do you have to be a marter or sacrifice your own well being. Sometimes you have to walk away and take care of your own life. It is tough love and only YOU can make that choice. Since there is a family not so far away, tell them from now on they will have to take over that it is time YOU move forward in your life into more healthy relationships. If your friend truly wants help, he/she will get the help and thank you for your love and caring down the road. Write a note once in a while, thinking about you, love you, hang in there…but now it is time, to take care of you!

  • Jean

    Kate, What if you tell them how you feel right now. You don’t know how to handle this anymore. Their is nothing wrong with the way you feel. Also, her parents can call the rehab.
    Call someone at the rehab center and they will have suggestions for you and may even tell her parents that she should be alone at this time.

    Maybe in a few days, week or so you will feel
    different and want to see her.

  • Sandy

    What about recovered alcoholics? I feel one person I deal with who is a recovered alcoholic is a master manipulator. Not in an evil way but in a way that she gets people to do certain things, or arrange circumstances so that the outcome is beneficial to her but the others involved believe it is for a different purpose, instead of just being honest about what they want.

  • JLee

    HI all – advice here. I have been in a relationship with the most charming; romantic man I’ve ever met for about 9 months. 9 months of chaos and I am at my wits in. I am a calm person who likes peace in my home. HE is long distance so when he comes to my town he stays with me. HIs stays are always extended. He went to rehab during the summer and was released (he says) early; came to me and lived in my home. I am a classic co-dependent. I have my business world together; or did, it is suffering a bit. This is one of the trips, he is here; I came home from work one day = he was working on my house,etc. I had no idea he was drunk. It was my best friends birthday and he more than humiliated me that day – (we had a dinner engagement that night).

    So, he makes excuses why he needs to be in town, and keeps extending. I get what I am and told him I need to take care of me; he needs to move to a hotel. That being said; I’ve had nothing but texts, voice messages through the evening, morning hours; he claims he is not drunk; however, I am not an idiot. Last night I let him come cook here; of course, he went into a short rage over a decoration that he could not get to work in my house; I asked him to leave, it was 11.. He had told me that he had heard the hotel where he was staying (which is in a nice area) had crime; texted me last night and said I got mugged; thanks for the safe haven.. Last I checked; women aren’t supposed to provide safe havens to men who create total chaos…
    I don’t want to crush this guy – I am well into my 40s and have finally gotten my co-dependency in the best check that I can; any advise?

    Obviously I know what to do – how to do it is the question.. he is constantly guilt tripping me (he is alone, no one loves him etc..) Again, he is quite charming and has the looks to go with it – had a good steady job when I met him and is most articulate.. I am beside myself – dumbfounded of where this has gone and where it may go….


  • JLee

    Wits end, not in.. I am obviously not thinking properly today.. chaos..
    thanks again.

  • Bruce

    JLee can you block your alcoholics phone number ? I had to do that with my alcoholic girlfriend. Ignore his guilt trips. And by no means let him stay with you. Like Debbi said get the book Under The Influence. A very good read. My problems with my alcoholic girlfriend ended with her passing. So I know what you are going through. I wish you well as you solve this problem. Stay strong. You have a long hard journey ahead of you. Bruce

  • JLee

    Thank you Bruce,

    He is super good at manipulating me; making me feel sorry for him, etc… He is to leave town this weekend.. I am going to suggest he got to AA or NA.. Funny thing when I met him I pushed back; my gut knew. I didn’t want anything in my life at the time; I am trying to get my very competitive business going and this is a huge distraction… He is not who he sold himself to be; and he is a good person; even my dearest friends who understand the disease say he is a wonderful, but sick person that will take me down. At 44 I cannot afford the time to be taken down the tubes.. Classic co-dependent I’ve always attracted someone with some issue, be it – non-committal people that hang on; men with addictions to “women..” etc… So i get it; this truly is the worst animal ever; the very worst, it is hard to reject a “sick” person….

    I have even thought about calling his counselor at REHAB; however, not my place… it is truly pathetic; I live in a very social community, I can keep a small bottle of vodka and wine in my house for months; when he is here – it suddenly disappears.. I am not in the place to play mother here..

    I am so sorry for you that you lost your girlfriend… Prayers for you.. I am trying to find an Al-Anon meeting – I grew up around some alcoholics and this has brought back some seriously bad memories…
    Thank you again! I will be blocking him when he goes to his home state..

  • Bill

    Jlee, first off, sorry to here you are in a difficult place with this guy. When I am on the fence of making decisions it’s an emotional hell sometimes. Once I make the right choice, get off of the fence and take action, peace floods in. When I read what your friends said and then you agreed, I got a really void, icky, sick feeling inside. I totally can identify with not wanting to be taken down. One of the things I’ve heard in Al-anon is, “don’t allow someone to rent space in your head.” Another good one I’ve heard is, “don’t try to stop a locomotive”. Another good one i,s “let go or be dragged”. It sounds like you have some good people skills. I am confident that you can set boundaries, say what you mean without saying it mean and can keep your life clear of clutter.

  • LAPerry

    My spouse of 15 years is a ‘recovered’ alcoholic. About 7 years ago he lost his job, and we ended up starting a business together so he would have work. I found out he was drinking and into some very unpleasant side activities. It’s a long, long story….for seven years he has been drinking lying, and screwing everything up. My attempts to help, the arguments, fighting, pleading didn’t do a thing (yes, I should have known this). This past December he just ups and stops drinking when I finally made concrete arrangements to leave him. Meanwhile my mental and physical health is shot from all this drama. I honestly believe he used his drinking to hide from stuff he didn’t want to handle and have me take care of everything – the perfect tool of manipulation. Correct me if I am wrong – but a ‘real’ alcohol would not – could not – just stop cold turkey. Now he’s being very kind to me. I just hate him.

  • Kam

    New here. At my wits end. My husband is a functioning alcoholic. We have a 5 year old son. My husband is not abusive. But when we argue about his drinking he always turns it around to my faults. Or he gives me the guilt trip – woe is me, I’m a terrible father and husband, maybe it would be better if I went away – crap. Then if I say for him to leave then he refuses and says this was his house first and I should leave. I knew he drank when we married but it has gotten worse. I have no family here an no where to go. My biggest issue is that he drinks and drives and then drinks while driving. I don’t let him take our son anywhere. If we go somewhere as a family then I drive. I love him but hate him at the same time.

  • joyphine

    No hope for them. Put yourself first and stop letting addicts drain your life force. They dont care.

  • JLee…. Would like update on your story .
    I recently, about 5 months ago developed a friendship with a man younger than myself . I’m 45 , single , successful and settled in life . I have friends and family and an active social life . When I met this man he brought a sort of excitement to my life . He is charming , handsome , and fun . Treated me wonderful . I wondered early if there was an issue with alcohol as he was always at the bar . He would ” ghost” frequently and never respond to my texts , then out of nowhere I would get a phone call to say hello as if nothing happened . He confessed he had a dui and did not have a license , everyone makes mistakes so I would drive to him . He then confessed he had an off and on again girlfriend and he met me on the off times and when he ghosts he sees her . We ended it amicably and parted ways .. So I thought then the 1 am or 2 am texts every weekend happened . He was stranded needed ride home , if o said no he would be mean . The last few weeks he said he was turning life around needed my help thAnked me , we were intimate but his needs grew. My life was suffering at home , I was tired all the time , just mentally drained . There was always a drama of some sort and he blamed everyone . Finally the last straw came when after a day of helping him again and playing his mother he wanted to go for a drink , his led into more and he ended up embRrassing me in public . I’ve never been more humiliated . I’m this classy well respected woman who rarely goes into bars who had become a woman in a car crying and wondering what the hell am I doing ?!! It’s been two days with him out of my life and I Already have peace . I’m afraid of the next 2 am text and there will be one .

  • […] ‘How Do Alcoholics Manipulate Others?’ “Manipulation: Why are Addicts so Good at […]

  • Jean

    I want to thank you for writing this article. I was doing a search on, “Are alcoholics manipulative” and I happened upon this article. As I was reading it, it appeared to be what I’m experiencing. Actually, I’ve been going through it for over 30 years. But, I have made a decision and I’m sticking to the decision I’ve made. I must remember, I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, I can’t cure it and I don’t want to contribute to it anymore. Thank you!!

    Your statement below really helped me:

    “There are just countless ways that alcoholics manipulate others. I think the trap we have to be careful not to fall into is continually trying to win the alcoholic’s love and approval. The worse they treat us the harder we try to make them happy. We cannot make them happy so stop trying to. Consider working on making your own life happy instead through letting go of the problem drinker and enjoying your own life.” -Alcoholic Friend.

    Thank you!!! Thank you!!! Thank you!!!

  • Rstmartin

    what do you do when your boyfriend of two years who hasn’t worked in over a year, has went to rehab, drained his life savings and still cant seem to stay sober. I guess I am codependent. I know I can’t save him, but somehow I feel like im letting him down if I walk away. I am drained and very agitated with him. He has every resource know to man to reach out for help and he still makes excuses. He will do good at times then it is right back to the same crap. I don’t want to leave, but in my head I know I need to. I feel like as long as I keep letting him do what he wants and continue to stay even though I am not in agreement with him and let it be known that I am still condoning his behavior.

  • Elaine

    My husband of 28 years is incredibly manipulative. Aside from that he is a liar and a cheat, and The king of manipulation and controlling behavior . I have done everything possible all these years to help him, as he gets older he only gets worse . He is now become emotionally and verbally abusive towards me. He says the most despicable and hurtful things to me. He has also become financially abusive . I realize that he is trying to control me through finances. I was always a stay at home mother, and wife and I am financially dependent on him. If I file for divorce, I will get half of everything, and I know eventually I would be OK, but I still love him or I would have divorced him already.
    I know he smears me to others outside the home, mostly women he shouldn’t even be talking to . He plays the victim, the people he smears me to have no idea that he is an alcoholic, and no idea what I have put up with all these years. I cannot express in words how hurtful that is.
    I am walking on egg shells and hypervigilant around him all the time now. I never know when he will fly into a rage over nothing and start screaming at me, or on the flipside give me the most brutal silent treatments. He seems to take extreme pleasure in seeing me hurt, upset, and unhappy.
    It was suggested to me by a therapist that he has narcissistic personality disorder, in researching that he certainly ticks all the boxes !
    He was raised in a extremely dysfunctional family, he has turned into everything he always hated about his parents. I believe that his narcissistic personality disorder came first, and that is the reason that he drinks .
    Over 40 years of alcoholism has caught up with him and he is now showing decline of his physical and mental health. He has refused to see a doctor, he has also refused to get therapy or attend AA. I have started looking into Alanon and I’m trying my best to learn how to detach, but it is more than difficult.
    I pray to God every day to give me the strength to Let go, and for him to heal my husband.
    His abuse is spewed at me behind closed doors where no one else sees it. To the outside world he looks like the happy go lucky guy. He is a high functioning alcoholic. He has a good job and has never missed a day of work, which astounds me considering the amount he drinks.
    Like every other alcoholic, he constantly tries to blame me for his drinking and for the reason that he is miserable. I do not let him get away with that, I remind him that he was drinking Long before we ever met me. I tell him that he is miserable because he drinks! I have pleaded with him to try sobriety so that his brain can return to normal. I believe he suffers from the Hepatic encephalopathy due to his alcoholism.
    I am at my wits end, I don’t know how much more of this I can take.
    His behavior has begun to affect my physical and mental health . Our children have told me I should leave him, and I have the support of my other family members. Thank God for them!
    High functioning alcoholic or not, alcoholism is a progressive disease and eventually if they continue to drink they all wind up in the same boat, dead from the disease.
    From everything I have read about end-stage alcoholism and liver and kidney disease as it’s related to it it is an agonizing death. That bottle has a stronger hold on him than anyone else in this world. It is all he cares about.
    I wish you all peace on your journeys with your alcoholics.

  • Becky

    Elaine, your husband & mine must belong to the same club. I have endured all of the same types of abuse while he is under the influence. As the years have progressed so has the frequency & intensity. I’m so sorry you’re battling this addiction with your spouse as well. My husband is a “functioning ” alcoholic for whatever that is worth. To be honest I have no idea how much longer he will be able to keep up the facade during the work day. The Wet Brain has begun to show physical symptoms and he can’t hide that. His hostility that only occurred at home now is rolling into his work so it’s only a matter of time.
    I too, believe my husband has been suffering from hepatic encephalopathy. He manages to skirt around the annual blood tests at his Dr. visits by going dry for a few days. But I know better. The yellow eyes, dry skin, bleeding easily, distended stomach & the smell of booze from his pores are all a direct correlation. He too has rejected any suggestions that there may be a problem. It’s almost laughable that he’s more concerned about catching the Coronavirus than he is about dying on his motorcycle when he’s riding stupid drunk. Yes, he drinks & rides & drinks & drives. He thinks he’s invincible. His motto is “I got this!”
    I hear you! These guys are sick. Very, very sick. Yet I don’t let him blame or manipulate me anymore. His behavior was affecting my mental & physical health & honestly it’s not worth it. We deserve so much better. You are fortunate to have family to lean on. Continue to do that & remember to take care of you!

  • Elaine


    Thank you. My husband also has manifestations in his skin , easy bleeding, and distended stomach. He also drinks and drives, but you’d never know it aside from aggression when he drives. No weaving . I pray someday he gets pulled over , but he looks so “ normal “ they’d never think to test him for anything.
    Never seen anything like it in my life.
    From what I have read people like our husbands decline “suddenly “as the cumulative effects take hold and don’t let go.
    His memory is going too , and he makes things up , not sure if it’s because he forgets and is embellishing or if he is hallucinating.
    Don’t know how much longer he can keep up the facade at work either.
    How do you deal with the verbal and emotional abuse? Do you walk away or argue with him? I do both depending on the circumstances. If he continues the financial abuse, I will have no choice but to divorce him. I refuse to be dependent on him for the food I eat.
    He had someone that loved him so much and he’s destroying it all with booze. He says his drinking only affects him, what a load of BS. It has affected our entire family. The denial is much stronger than me.

    Wishing you peace,


  • april55

    I am worried about my friend of 12 years. She started dating a man, he moved in within 2 days, charming and younger than her. She said he was an alcholic who was dying of kidney cancer and is waiting for a divorce settlement of millions of dollars! She has given him lots of money, paid for his overseas trips etc. She doesn’t call me anymore and everytime I call her, he is in the background. Yesterday she told me he swore at her said the c word and she blames all this on his kidney pain. He seems to be isolating her from her friends. I am so worried about her as he seems to want her by his side 24/7. We met up with her for the first time in months and she seriously looked terrible and has aged 20 years, not her bubbly happy self.
    She is even consider marrying him.
    How can a friend help?

  • B2_I will Survive

    Hello, My first time adding any type of message to any board regarding my personal experience with alcoholics in my life. I feel like I am late to the game. But my glass is half full not half empty right? Background: Dysfunctional family (not surprising right?hahaha), Father loves his children but is emotionally abusive and verbally aggressive. Mother also loves her children but is an alcoholic. They are divorced. I grew up with her drinking but she finally quit in her 30s and has not drank in over 45 years but has and does take prescription drugs (new addiction? Cross over addict?). My sister is an alcoholic. I was there at the hospital during her darkest hours 11 years ago. She almost died from drinking. I was supportive. Made time to help her. She is sober 10 years now but married two alcoholics. She had one daughter that was raised by three alcoholics. I ended up living with an alcoholic. No surprise there right? Earlier years, I would young. Didn’t see it as an issue. He has gotten worse with age. His drinking came to a head this last year. I had to start calling 911 for help. He finally quit so I forgave but then he started moving on to other addicts. That was the straw that broke the camels back for me. We are separating now. I realized this man will die an active addict. His choice. I dont love him anymore. He has finally started AA but there is no turning back now for me. I want out. I am moving out. For years, this man has pushed me away emotionally. I wrongfully accepted it. But I never allowed him or the other alcoholics in my life to stop my desire for traveling and staying healthy. I guess you can say I ignored the warning signs? My alcoholic sister who I have tried to get close to for years, sends the same message. I love you, dont leave but I dont want to get close, wont have a one to one relationship with you, and wont make time for you regularly. Always pushed me away. You could never talk to my sister independently. She always had her daughter and others involved in the conversation as a dysfunctional support group? My alcoholic mother also was hard to get close to. She would at least go out independently but plays the taking family side games as a good dysfunctional family does right? One thing I did right – I have never allowed the alcoholics in my life to affect my health or job but the emotional stress at this point and the recent events that are loudly confirming that it will never change just isn’t worth it anymore for me. I don’t understand alcoholics. Honestly? I dont want to understand them. Is that a bad thing? hahaha. I dont like the emotional games, the pitting of people against me, the making fun, the lies, deceptions, and secrets. I am a happy person. I am honest person. Maybe too honest. Love life. Love living life to the fullest. Love to travel domestically and internationally. Love making memories. Love to laugh together but not laugh at others. What am I saying? I am at a big critical moment in my life. I have been living the life of these alcoholics to a point and I want to set myself free. I am 57 years old and am considering moving to another state to start fresh and move away from this alcoholic group that live locally. Moving to another state to literally start over but with the goal of seeking my retirement location. I am healthy. I am active. I have a great job. My company loves my skill set and work. It is just the family and EX that continues to disrespect me in every way possible. I have been kind and made time for them, helped them but when there is no reciprocation, no mutual respect, and the constant emotional games, I think it is time to move on. Try something new. I am educating myself on being codependent. Reading the book co-dependent no more. I am seeking an al-a-non group to join. And I am looking for a home in another state. Am I crazy??? Am I doing the right thing? I am not an alcoholic, just surrounded by them. I am no perfect. But dang, I am not crazy either. Hahaha. Any feedback would be great! I truly feel this is a god push. So much aligned at this one point in time to allow me to move. Thoughts?

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