Leaving An Alcoholic-Feeling fear, guilt and confident

JC: Thanks NM for sharing from your heart. Making the decision to leave an alcoholic is one that is filled with many emotions.  Once you start working your plan you will see that the fear will fade into the distance. Once you taste of the serenity that is just around the corner, you will wonder why you waited. It’s clear that he doesn’t want to be in this relationship anymore.  Stay close to your support group. Please get connected with Al-anon if you aren’t already.

Lonely ManGuest Post By: NM

So I finally did it. Or so I think I did. I got a new place. I’m supposed to be moving pretty soon. I’ve figured out a plan to try to make some extra money to become more independent and not have to depend on him for anything, not even if our kids need something. I have a great support system. Everyone is on board, family, close friends and co-workers.

Great! Awesome!- I bet you’re all thinking how wonderful it is and how this will change my life and I can begin to heal. I try to see it that way too but the more I think about it, the more difficult it becomes.

This man has been mean and abusive (Abused By An Alcoholic) to me for such a long time. He’s disrespected me in front of almost everyone we know. He tells me to get out of his house almost daily. He’s said I ruined his life. I keep disappointing him. I’m holding him back. He doesn’t love me. He wants to be alone. He regrets having our children with me. He is only with me because of the kids. He says I’m going to fail in life alone. God is going to punish me and “show” me. I’m turning his children against him but I’m not going to win. God is on his side. He lies, lies, lies and keeps a lot of things from me. When we attend functions together he doesn’t acknowledge me. Constantly, asks people if they are married and when they say yes, says sorry to hear that. Belittles me to no end. Drinks like crazy. sometimes his binges are 4 days long non stop and we all have to deal with the evil twin.

So what’s the problem, you ask? The problem is despite all of these issues and many many more, I still feel guilty for wanting to leave him. (How To Not Feel Guilty When Associating With An Alcoholic) I feel rejected (Being Rejected By An Alcoholic) by him and don’t understand how that is possible. I’m the “healthy” one. Why and how can he make make me feel so bad about myself? And how can I still have compassion for someone who is so mean to me.

Do I have no self respect? Self Esteem? What in the world is wrong with me? I cry and cry just thinking of how after 25 years I’m just going to walk away with my kids and begin to heal and yet I feel like I failed. My daughter says, “don’t worry mom you will be happy when we leave. I promise you. You don’t deserve this. You deserve to be happy.” (How To Be Happy Apart From The Alcoholic) Why can’t I see that for myself. I really hope that I go through with this move. I’m beginning to think that I won’t. I don’t want to stay. So many nights I’ve pleaded to just make it through this last night and I will leave tomorrow. Tomorrow is now here and I can’t seem to make my move.

When I left the alcoholic, I had a close relationship with God. There was no doubt in my mind that He was helping me through the difficult changes. This helped tremendously with having confidence that I was making the right move. It was an abusive relationship and God was removing me from what He knew would never change.  Fear was overcome by having faith that God would take care of me no matter what. That was nine years ago and I have always been taken care of.

58 comments to Leaving An Alcoholic-Feeling fear, guilt and confident

  • NM

    Hello all, i haven’t been on for a while and I wanted to post a quick update.
    Moving out was probably the best thing I could have ever done for myself. I missed my Ex. I cried a lot. It was sooo hard. 25 years is not easy to walk away from. At first he hated me and was so mean about it all. And It all made me so confused. I felt as of I had rally done something bad and he was the victim. As I gained power and built up my self esteem it became easier to remember that it was He who had the problem and he wanted me to continue to be the same submissive confused woman I had been for all that time. I had some power now. I had the power to walk away and he had no way up control that. I had the power to hang up when he was insulting me on the phone. I learned to control my emotions and to remember I am a person with value and this man and his actions did not dictate my happiness anymore. He learned that he had lost control of the one person who always stood beside him. The one person who was always there no matter what he had done or said the night before. He was Alone. Lonely. Loneliness is a MF’r. October 2013 he mad a decision. He’s fLlen off
    The wagon a few times but continues to try. He didn’t magically change over night. He still has his difficult moments. We don’t live together. We do co parent and we “date” but now the tables have turned now I wonder if he’s really the person I want in my life and if I should give him another chance. I’m praying for guidance. Only God knows.
    I’ve learned that At their worst and alcoholic with do some pretty mean things anf actually go out of their way to hurt the people who love them the most. They like to make u feel powerless and belittled. And we do feel that way and we don’t understand. My best advice is stop wondering why he’s doing this and a start working on urself and decide what ur going to do next. Make a decision to not allow someone like this have soo much say in ur life and how u feel.
    Good luck

  • SJ

    1 week ago today I was called to the hospital. My boyfriend o 2 years had been in a motorcycle accident at 3 AM. I moved out of His BAC was .24 and cocaine was in his system. Although not life threatening he is banged up to say the least. I left the hospital, called his sister and gave her the info. I also let her know I was done….she was surprised I stayed as long as I had and wished me well. I am struggling with how I walked out on him…..

  • cheryl

    ive been where you are and i can tell you are not done. if youd like support you can email me at cherylford.ford@gmail.com.
    its a lonely confusing place you are in. all i can say is put all your focus on yourself right now.. dont stop focusing on your job, family etc. think about if you were on the outside of yourself what would you want for yourself? and help yourself get that. God wants no less for you than he wants for your boyfriend. we have yo choose it.

  • Claudia

    I live with my alcoholic husband for 12 years. I has gotten worse the past 5 years, in and out of hospitals for detox, walking on shells. He stayed sober for two and a half months. Relapsed 3 days ago. I slept in the car last night. I told him I wanted to get some stuff out and he said try my and we’ll see, but my kids were sleeping and I wanted to make sure they were ok. I sneak in the house anyway and got some stuff out. I can’t stand it anymore. I want to leave with my kids, but I have no friends, and no savings only a credit card and my paycheck that I will get in four days. I’m very scared and I don’t know where to start. He called me and said If I wanted to be in the house I have to dress the way he wants me to dress (he’s very controlling and could get violent). I don’t want to be in the house anymore.

  • SJC

    Call and/or go to a woman shelter. They can help you. Be safe.

  • Cyndi

    I too am struggling with the thoughts of leaving our home I have with my alcoholic husband. Not only has he been a high functioning alcoholic for years it has finally caught up with him. He was just diagnosed with Cirrhosis and absolutely refuses to talk about or go to any type of rehab. I found out that before I met him he had gone twice to rehabs and both ending in failure.

    He is dying right before my eyes each day and I don’t know how much more I can stand it. All of his symptoms and pain he is going through is all because of the alcohol. His own family doctor has dropped him because he refuses to help himself.

    I feel so guilty for not wanting to deal with this anymore. I am angry at him because he doesn’t seem to care about what he is putting his family through. I cant sleep, I started overeating and I have been to the Dr only to be prescribed antidepressants and anti anxiety meds which don’t seem to be helping like I thought. Its the most difficult thing I have ever experienced as of yet in my life and my constant worry is making me physically and mentally sick.

    Anybody out there who wants to talk about this or has any suggestions I would so much appreciate it. I feel stuck and I hate being in my own house anymore.

  • I have the same problem. My husband of 36 years has already had wet brain and almost died. I got him healthy again but he went back to drinking. He’s had so many falls resulting in broken back, broken arms and head injuries. I’m afraid if I leave he’ll fall and kill or injure himself and I’ll have to live with the guilt. I want to leave the country and go home to my family but have a daughter here and don’t want her saddled with him. Any advice?

  • Ruby

    I’ve been secretly packing waiting to hear about housing. I’ve been living in hell. Broken promises, humiliating texts to other woman, denial about anything and everything, constant lying. I can’t wait to leave but I do worry about the aftermath. Worrying about the smear campaign he start after Wanting to slit my own throat from all the gaslighting. Ive been saving for years and I will hear next week and then I will schedule the movers, change my address and number then give all my attention to self care. I’ll literally need to be deprogrammed from the toxic environment. I can’t wait to start my new life with my sweet elderly dog. Just us against the world. I’ve always had toxic alcoholics and narcissistic people holding me hostage. I’ve had a hard life now it’s up to me to own it and move on and build a whole life starting from scratch at 55. The one thing I can’t wait to have is my kindness back after turning into someone I barely recognize. I’m about to reclaim myself and fight for my life. Keep me in your thoughts that my opportunity will come next week and I will at last be free.

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