JC: Thanks for sharing your story Laura. The first time I was abandoned by the alcoholic, I was furious. Our relationship had been going great and then she hooked up with someone who had plenty of drugs and that was the beginning of eight years worth of relationship disaster. During those grueling years, on many occasions I felt so rejected by the alcoholic. Let go of all this insanity and attach to God. God will never abandon you. I hope you can see the reality of what is happening and let go of what was. It’s time to seriously consider if you want to spend the rest of your life living like this.
Guest Post By: Laura
I was hoping I could get some feedback about something that I am struggling with. Right now his behavior and mentality are the worst I have ever seen him. I wrote last week on a blog how I finally figured out how to “detach” and I was doing so well, realized he wasn’t actually being this way to “me” and that it has nothing to do with me. Yesterday he finally called and didn’t text…only to find out when he started speaking that he needed a favor. I told him that no, I would not do it, he went 3 days without calling or coming home (we live together), and I was not going to JUMP because he needed a favor…and I’m sorry, but no, I can’t do it. I was so proud of myself for not letting him manipulate me.
Then last night I started thinking (my first mistake, haha) and thought about how awesome our relationship was, and how what seemed like overnight 2 mo. ago, changed into this TOTALLY different man.
The reason he relapsed is because he has a 22 yr old daughter that was addicted to heroin, then got pregnant, stayed clean, had her baby, but made a bad decision (not drug related) and went back to jail. She just got out the other day, but was there over a month. But, that being said…I know it’s not an excuse for how he has become.
How do I go from feeling so much better a week ago, feel stronger, and happier in general…to today – crying, sad, and feeling like the man I thought I was spending the rest of my life with is gone and just stopped loving me, basically OVERNIGHT???!!! My mind and my heart can not comprehend this part of it and it’s driving me crazy again! (It’s not a feeling, it is reality that he has abandoned the relationship.)
I have faith in God, He has blessed me in SO many ways and has gotten me through so much, and I know He will get me though this mess as well….other than praying, how do I cope with this horrible feeling of betrayal and sadness and MAKE my mind comprehend his TOTAL personality change???!!! (Detach from all the insanity and attach to God. Let everything go and cling to the most constant one in your life, GOD! This is a good article: Tensions Associated With Being With An Alcoholic)
Today, I feel like I am starting all over again since just a week ago. Maybe this is just how it is. Thank you for any support you can give me. It does help reading others posts, knowing you’re not alone…but at the same time makes me sad that others have to go through these things as well!
When an alcoholic disappears for three days after having relapsed that is a tremendous amount of stress to deal with. The flood of emotions I experienced when my ex relapsed was a good indicator that I didn’t want to live the rest of my life in fear of being abandoned at any moment. You have to see the reality of what is happening. If you don’t you will gradually find yourself living a very unhappy life tainted by denial. Your love was just stepped on and he treated you like a door mat. The insanity of alcoholism will take you as a hostage if you don’t take actions now to protect yourself from getting sucked in.
I know exactly what you are going through. Sometimes you feel proud that you’ve stopped the hurt and suddenly out of the blue it comes back even stronger. There were times I just prayed this was all a nightmare and I would wake up and everything would be back to the way it was. I tried to make deals with God to put things back.
I got alot of good suggestions from everyone here on this site to help stabilize my emotions from this roller coaster. Some work, some don’t. Keep experimenting–when those waves of emotions hit you try things to help ease your mind. You will find what will work for you. For me it was journaling or looking over my journals to remind myself I did not want to go down that road again.
Sending you a big hug–you need it! God Bless!
Laura, your expression of sadness made me sad too. I surely can relate to abandonment, as the first man to walk out of my life was my Dad, left my Mother and I at 3 years old, for another woman. My husband is an alcoholic who has left me before while on a drunken binge, returned within 3 days, after his family turned him away. He returned with his tail tucked, but no change. Listen, you are fortunate not be married, because I think it will be much easier for you to move on, rather than end up like me with 26 years of mental turmoil, emotional roller coaster, fear of abandonment as my legacy. After so many years of hanging on, it’s very difficult to get into a mind-set of breaking away, especially when all that I am, mind/body/soul/time/energy/money, my whole being has been invested in this man. Laura, I am sad about what I know you are going through, but sunshine is peering through your dark time. You can at least hold your head up and tell yourself the end of the relationship is a blessing in disguise, with no guilt or remorse on your part. Meanwhile, Laura, I am praying you will hang tight to what you have learned here, apply the lessons, and you will not end up an old fool like me. Value your freedom. Believe me, it’s more precious than gold! Hey, you want to trade places with me? I don’t think so. 🙂 Take care!
Dear Debbi and Jewel
Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement, I appreciate it very much! The relationship is not really “ended” yet…we are living together, and the rule was that if he’s been drinking, he goes to his shop and doesn’t come home. Friday night, he came home and was dropped off. He also is bipolar (which he has admitted he agrees…when he’s not in “manic mode”.) But he has been in his manic state since Thursday, so on top of that he drank Friday before he came home. I had 2 hrs. of hell before he left. I called his friend that also works for him and begged him to come and get him and take him to the shop. His friend knows what’s going on, he feels bad for me, and tells me to hang on and don’t give up, he is trying to get him to go to an AA mtg. with him, and he knows how much he loves me. While my AF was here for those 2 hrs. I came up with an idea…I recorded all of the horrible things he said during that time (he never believes what I tell him he has said when he’s in “manic mode”) The next day I emailed the recordings to him so he could listed and hear for himself. I don’t know if he listened to them yet, but he will be shocked when he hears himself because this one was the worst one ever! I am hoping that he will see then how bad he has gotten and wake up and get the help he needs and start going to meetings with his friend. I realize that I can not “fix” him and that he needs to help himself, I pray for him constantly, and I never have been a quitter, but I love him so much, I can not seem to give up on him…because I know he is sick. I know if I get to the point that I’m able to “let go” if things stay the way they are, I guess then I’ll know it’s what God wanted me to do. It’s just all so hard to comprehend that the man he was prior to this was a good man, with a good heart, that respected me and loved me as much as I love him, we were perfect for each other, made each other laugh, and had fun together……to now acting like an actual demon has taken over his body. It almost feels like the man he was is dead now, and I am grieving the death of my fiance’. I am going to start writing a journal like you suggested Debbi, and who knows maybe one day I’ll turn it into a book!
I am so sorry that both of you have gone through and are still going through these horrible feelings like me, and I will keep you both in my prayers. (HUGS) to both of you!
I’ve loved a man for so many years, trust and loved him completely even he is an alcoholic, completely as in taking all his cheating, rudeness and abusive behavior. I stayed because i thought he would realize all of this and would change.
sometimes he would be sorry for his actions and would promise that he will stop drinking but it never happens.in some of our arguments, it would always end up me being the one at fault. and sometimes i am convinced.
is accepting someone you love for who he is an addiction too?
we are not in speaking terms anymore because of the pressured between us that built up.
i just want to go on with my life, but it is not easy.
Wow, it sounds like we are in the exact same place right now! I try SO hard to accept what has happened, but part of me just won’t let go…the part that remembers all of the good things, and misses them – and I miss “him”.
I don’t think I believe that it’s an addiction to accept someone for who they are – I think it’s an addiction when we can’t let go, even when we are being abused in some form. It’s hard knowing you love someone with all of your heart, and at the same time know you can’t live in their hell with them anymore…to someone else it sounds like it would be an easy decision, but for me, it’s turning out to be one of the most difficult decisions I’ve ever had to make!
I will keep you in my prayers Helena…we just have to stay strong, let go, and give it to God. I know my faith and my prayers are what have kept me sane to this point, and I just have to remember that, and be thankful for everything that He has blessed me with!
Stay strong, and I know whatever happens…one way or another, we will find our way! I truly believe EVERYTHING happens for a reason!
thanks for your response, sometimes i thought am i the only insane person in this who could take all of this, it turns out I’m not. i agree with you that is hard right now, but it will be much harder if we continue accepting the way we are treated, it is hard because we love them, but we should love ourselves too. thanks for your prayer, i really need them.
everything happens for a reason, i always believe on that.
will be praying for you as well 🙂
There is no doubt about it, we get very addicted to the alcoholics in our lives. I bought the Secrets To Dealing With Alcoholics lessons. There’s a section in there that talks about how we become obsessed with everything that the alcoholic is doing all of the time. It took us a long time to get so attached to them and it takes learning from the wisdom of others how to break free from obsessing about them all of the time. I have finally started to detach without feeling guilty for doing so.
i am struggling to do the same john. good luck to us
Hi ladies. One of my friends is going thru same phase . My friend is an alchoholic and disappears from house frequently and stays drunk for days. This seems to be a routine for him for past 2-3 years and he is ignoring his family and kids. His wife thinks he will die if she leaves him but honestly I think he is damaging emotionally his wife and kids. I think it’s better to leave him alone for few yrs until he can get control on his drinking as he is not ready to join rehab as well. Wondering hoe you guys feel after 2 yrs now? Hope pain of abandoning is gone?