JC: NAM, thanks for your submission. When we focus on the alcoholic, we do get confused, frustrated and damaged. AA says that alcoholism is cunning, baffling and powerful. Do the best that you can to take care of yourself, to love your children and to let go of the insanity that accompanies interacting with alcohol abusers. If you don’t let go, you will get dragged along.
Article by: NAM
It’s been 7 months since I left my alcoholic husband. It has been a roller coaster of emotions being with an alcoholic. I’m relieved and sleep a lot better at night. I don’t have to worry about the binges or the episodes that follow. I don’t have to walk on eggshells or wait to see what his mood will be like today to adjust my own mood. My kids are safer and its a better environment.
I do see my AH often. He misses our boys. He stops by during the week after work and spends an hour with the boys and has them on weekends. We have been out as a “family” on events and some are really good. Some remind me of all the reasons I left.
I still have all the codependent feelings and traits. I still worry as if I were still living with him. I feel anxious. I have that feeling we have when there are moments of peace and you know soon the wave of the binge is coming. When things get so out of control that you pray that you make it through the night so you can leave in the morning and never go thru this again.
I’m angry and depressed. Two of my friends are losing spouses to incurable illnesses. One to a brain tumor and another to Cancer. These people do not have a choice. They cannot stop cancer or stop the tumor.
My AH has a choice. He can choose to stop and see his children grow up and be part of their lives. He can choose to be healthy and live a new life. He can choose so many things. I know Alcoholism is a disease. I understand the definition of it.
- I just don’t understand why and how he chooses that over us?
- I have these feelings of low worth because I cannot see how he can not love me enough to want me and our family back more than he wants that beer?
- What is it about that beer that can keep him so consumed?
- Why are we not enough? Why am I still trapped in this cycle when I made the move to get out?
- Why do I continue to hold myself back in hopes that he will magically wake up one day and everything will be perfect? And even if he does wake up, will we be able to move past the issues?
The alcoholic blames me for everything. I “took” his kids. I “left” him. I left everything on “his shoulders”. For five years he kicked me out. Told me to leave. Get out of his life. I was holding him back. All that mental, emotional, psychological abuse on top of dealing with all that comes from his disease… I’m so confused, frustrated, damaged. I know O should be happy I’m “free”, but I can’t be.