I’ve been married to an alcoholic for 18 years. In the beginning, so much love, spoiled me, made me feel so special. Yet, looking back it was dysfunctional because I would have to put him back together after alcoholic meltdowns.
We have 4 sons, 2 of which are not his that he helped raise. My oldest left at age of 15 to live with his father. I stayed because we had a baby together. My son is now 26 and we are very close once again.
I am leaving my husband within 30 days. I have moved things out of the house, preparing my finances and taking my two younger boys 18, 15 with me. They are ready to leave. I never knew the meaning of “progressive” until now.
I don’t recognize the man I live with.
I moved out of our room 3 months ago, after he drove my youngest son in his car to a soccer tournament, while drinking out of a thermos. Luckily I had talked to my son about always running away from his father if he EVER felt unsafe. He asked his dad to pull over and that he had to pee. His father had become confused about where he was on the freeway and was talking gibberish. He was drunk! Driving my son on the freeway going 75 miles per hour!! This was when I moved out of our room and started my plan.
This man doesn’t care about his family. I lost my husband long long ago. I No longer wear my wedding ring. He’s mean, verbally abusive and a bully. Can’t wait to start my new life. I could write a book, I have the sickest stories.
JC: Maydays1, I am so sorry to hear that your family is going to split. I know this is an extremely difficult time for you. Please, if you are not already involved with Al-anon, try to find local support group meetings in your area. I have taken a moment to list some article below that you may be interested in reading. Consider taking some time to read the comments following the articles. I will be sending this article out to our community of readers. You will be getting some feedback in the comments section of this article.
Here are some articles that may help you:
You are doing a very courageous thing. I had an alcoholic boyfriend. It’s no picnic. Their love for alcohol is the worst.
He’ll come back. Stay strong and build a new life for yourself. Cut all ties.
My alcoholic b/f said he had a child at 18. He gave it up. I said to him that he should meet him and he’s probably got grand kids now. I was told that was a very hurtful comment for me to make. He has not spoken to me since. Bizarre irrational irresponsible behaviours that mess with us decent people.
Lied about his age and where he lived. I asked him if he had a drinking problem when we started going out as I was drinking with him. Guess what. He denied it. While staying in a transitional treatment place in gradient street in Dublin. And they think he’s been sober.
Some people don’t deserve to be loved. They have to love themselves first before they can love anyone else. Never feel guilty. You are doing the right thing I admire you
I had the same situation with a verbally abusive alcoholic husband. We were married for 32 years when I separated from him. I moved into our studio apartment on the 2nd floor and started to live my own life. I asked my cousin, a drug and alcohol counselor and psychologist what I should do. She said, LET HIM DRINK! I didn’t cause it and couldn’t cure it! God himself could not make him stop. On the day he lost his job, I took him to detox. He stayed there for 5 days. Due to this change in his life, I decided to wait for 1 year to see if he was for real before I did anything about our marriage. I would not commit to him, but I did not file for divorce and we attended recovery groups together. To make a long story short, he has been sober for 2+ years, is a totally different and better man and we have been married for 35 years. He became my friend. I feel for you. You have a hard decision to make. But you are doing the right thing, save yourself! Let him drink, he has to reach his own bottom, make plans for yourself and do what you need to survive. You have been effected by this horrible disease. Go get help, find an Alanon group and Alateen for your children. Don’t make any permanent decisions for a year. Give yourself time to heal.
Bizarre, irrational, irresponsible behaviours of an alcoholic are no picnic. Will I ever be able to pick
Up the pieces again? I feel there is more damage to me than there is to him. How is that possible?
I also left my husband of 35 years about 6 months ago. He had been sober for 20 years and one day decided to drink claiming that I was driving him to drink because he could tell I wasn’t happy. He is getting worse everyday with the verbal abuse but since I have moved out he has turned the verbal abuse against our youngest daughter age 18 because she looks like me and acts like me more than our other daughter age 25. The youngest daughter goes back to college this next month and can not wait to get away from him and out situation. I have been trying to get her to go to Alanon with me, but she is not ready to go yet. She was born after he became sober and thinks she can save him. After the battle last night, she has given up. I hate that she is getting angry with the situation, but after having to serve a restraining order on him 20 years ago, I would not let myself go back to the situation for fear of my life and sanity. He is a wonderful person when he is sober, but after 2 beers he becomes a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde and you never know what mood he is going to be in. I encourage you and add you to my prayers as you and I are in the same boat and it definitely is not easy to start a new life after 35 years of marriage.
My husband was sober for 5 yrs and just relapsed.
He binges and similar to what you said, Bobbi, this gentle soul that I’ve been married to for 45 yrs gets beligerent, cold and pathetic. There’s a pattern as the drinking progresses – he starts out being silly, then he gets loud and mean then the tears and melancholy start. He has talked for two hours straight about everything under the sun…a real bore.
AlAnon has helped. I’m learning about detaching. I’m not good at it yet but I always keep it in my mind – like a mantra. The hardest and most stressful part is going out, not knowing what/who I’ll come home to. I get so angry – we’re retired and should be enjoying life but this is like a ball & chain.
I haven’t told our son and daughter about this – it’s been going on for about four months. Not sure it’s mine to tell – I think he should own up to it….I welcome any guidance or advice there. Good to have this space to share and see other experiences. Thanks for reading.
My husband drinks a bottle of wine every night. We are in our early 30s and have been married for 4 years. He was functional until this week when I received a call from his work to pick him up. He was acting strange ( like he was on speed) and was not making sense. I took him to the psych ward for an assessment and they chalked it up to alcohol. We went home and he had 1 glass. The next day he had not yet improved and had worsend in his behaviour and I had to have te crisis team pick him up. The wanted to commit him but this was refuses by his mother, so they put him on lorazapan and olanzapine and brought him home. I booked off work to stay with him and he improved daily. For the past 8 days he has one without alcohol and his behaviour has returned to normal. Being day 8 he has decided to stop his medication and have a few drinks. I am so angry and upset that he has no idea of the stress and pain he has caused me and his family. This week though tough was so nice because he wasn’t drinking and yelling at me, the house remained clean and we spent time together. The though of h having a drink brings me to tears and he doesn’t care because he doesn’t feel he has a problem. I love him but don’t know what else I ca do to make him understand that alcohol is not his friend and he will lose me if if continues.
I have been married to an alcoholic for 29 years it was never good but the past 3 years have been horrible. I am so tired on always being blamed for everything! Now he doesnt come home and comes and goes when he wants. The house is too expensive for either of us to pay alone, he wont leave, and said hes not giving me a divorce. I feel stuck cause I cant move out with the kids i just cant afford it. If I could leave I would so im glad you have the chance.
My husband left 1 month ago and moved into an apartment upstairs of his sister. We have been together for 25 years; married 23 years this September. He left because I finally had a nervous breakdown. When we met, he was drinking. Ended up in rehab (fourth stint) and I stayed by his side. He was sober 10 years; that was 11 years ago. When he started back up, it was casual like.. thought well maybe he can do this… NOT. It progressed over the years, so did the arguments, fights, crying fits, etc. It really screwed me up, so sad. I didn’t get to Al-Anon until the day after he left. Best thing I could have ever done for myself. I didn’t truly know what and how the alcohol would affect me. I ate my emotions… I truly thought by ignoring them, it would alleviate the arguments, that didn’t work either. I love my husband dearly but he did what I could not. Today I had to call our insurance company and ask what to do because he left and we were separated. Luckily they were wonderful and took care of everything, including the call to my husband to obtain his info so he could have his own policy. (I was respectful enough to text him informing him of what I was doing)Broke my heart to do it but I cannot take the risk if he, god forbid, hit someone, hurt someone or himself while driving under the influence. He of course thinks I’m retaliating but this is not the case, just protected myself. I still live in our house with my son and elderly dog. With that in mind the homeowners insurance has to remain in both our names until we sell. I pray to God for guidance,attend online and face to face meetings which have been a great support to me. I pray he finds his way. He is a good man and booze is sucking the life out of him and me.
I have not gone to al-anon meetings because I feel that talking about the situation just dredges up a lot of bad memories. I have two wonderful grown children who are my rock. They have been for years. My husband is a functioning alcoholic. I am however thankful for this website. Some of the things I had already started implementing which was VERY empowering. I have great support from people I work with because some of them are going through the exact same thing, in one degree or another, that we are. I look forward to the e-mails. I truly believe we are all so incredibly strong and loving. And NO ONE is going to take my joy of life away from me anymore. Stay Strong.
Reading the comments is so hard for me because I want to deny that my husband has a problem. Denise used the term functioning alcoholic…I believe that is my spouses case. He goes to work everyday and does what he has to but I have not seen a day go by in the past 10 years where he hasn’t had a drink. The first thing he does when he leaves work is make a vodka and tea and have it on the way home where the next drink is made and he will have a drink in hand until he goes to bed. The weekends he starts in the morning and it goes all day. His emotions are becoming aggressive towards me if I say or do the wrong thing. The other game is he just leaves. I said the wrong thing recently and was pushed quite hard and have a few bad bruises…don’t know what to do…
Hi everyone my name is Alyssa I am 30 years old and I have two boys by one man & I am 6 months pregnant by another. . . Whom I thought was “the one” until his father passed a year ago it’s been down hill from there. One fight one excuse one verbally abusive arguement after another, after another, after another. He recently 3 days ago told me “I never wanted this baby” mind u he said this while he was sober. I was so ANGRY! I moved out about two months ago and went back home to my house with my two other children. I turned off his phone that day and I changed my cell phone number so he cannot communicate with me. He drinks every single day 12 pack a day anymore & he is very short tempered jelous & easily angered. I just didn’t know what else to do. What kind of life will this baby have? What kind of life will I have my already two boys have? Reading everyone’s stories of being married to these monsters for 20 or 30 years scares me to death. I was so hopeful he would change but now I know that he IS NOT GOING TOO & WE ARENT THE PROBLEM. He swears he “loves us” wants us forever and to marry me but his actions violent tendencies & hurtful words say otherwise. We have not been in communication since Thursday it’s Saturday & that “feeling” of I “have” to be with him keeps coming and going? I do love him & have only wanted a family but not like this. I am a Christian and I met this man in church with his elderly father & he was so great to him and me and my kids then his dad died and I do t even know who he is anymore. . . I pray and speak to God daily but it’s always nice to have advice from my fellow peoples going through stuff like this or people having already gone through these situations.
Thank You Everyone For Your Stories. Any Advice?
You need to get to therapy to find out who you are. Only until you find out who Alyssa is can you even begin to work on something with another person. You do not belong in a relationship with anyone at this point. Never mind what he is doing, his alcoholism is his problem. Get well for yourself and your children. I know this is a hard thing to hear but until you work on you, you will have nothing but misery. There are many many organizations that offer free or nearly free services if you don’t have the money. Good luck and I wish you the very best!
I don’t think anyone has an answer to anyone. We all have alcoholism in our lives. It is a terrible disease! The alcoholic is not the victim. It is the family, friends, co-workers, etc. I went to Alanon, children of alcoholics. Then I went to a wonderful therapist, but found that having friends that listened and cared were my saving grace . Also, many talks with God. My minister was wonderful! His sermons every week seemed to be directed to me…. After years of anger, anxiety , and mixed emotions, I realized it wasn’t my fault! Even as a dry drunk my mother can push my buttons. It never ends.. But do what your heart says. Make sure you and your children are safe. And tell people what is going on! Alcoholics are good! They can make you feel guilty, afraid, and also they can turn the situation around so you are blamed… But keep thinking in your head that you are OK. It doesn’t change overnite.. I am still learning after 45 years!
Good Luck and God be with you
Alyssa, my advise is get away from this man and let him deal with his alcoholism by himself. Go to Alanon every week and get strong, that is the only thing that will help. I have learned not to feel sorry for these individuals because it’s harmful to you and to your children, and doesn’t help them one bit, not at all. Read books suggested by Alanon to help you to be strong and dedicate your life to yourself and your children right now, that’s it. Also I suggest to everyone I know to read “A New Earth” by Eckhart Tolle, it’s not on alcoholism per se but about patterns that people adopt out of emotional pain, he teaches how to recognize the pain and change your life. Good luck to you Alyssa, I know exactly what you are going through, this too shall pass. You will come out of this a Victorious woman and your children will be happy to have their mom as a model.
Hi Alyssa, Therapy is a must. Go to Al-Anon meetings right away. My first husband was a drug addict. Your story was mine exactly. I divorced him but only after having two beautiful daughters with him. I stayed with him 6 years. After divorce I found myself. I went back to school, raisEd the girls on my own.They are now in their early 30s. When my oldest was 18, I met my second husband. All signs were there of alcoholism, but I chose denial, making excuses one after the other. Fast forward 13 years later. Domestic violence earlier this month. Now I am blamed for everything, just like the first marriage. I’ve been in therapy 6 years and started Al-Anon 3 weeks ago. This Wednesday studying second step. My life is a repeat of first marriage except this time my daughters are adults, I’m in therapy and I have Al-Anon. Thank God for Al-Anon. ALL our friends have sided with him. He is a functioning alcoholic. Sweet warm and fuzzy during the day. At night he drinks 16 oz Brandy, (not counting what he drinks in garage) verbally abusive, mental cruelty, and chauvinistic to the core. Please don’t think I’m crazy. I see my AH and I see his dead father, Evil and hateful.I’m moving on for myself, my sanity, my future. The time has come for me to be first. I so want this nightmare to be over, but this is going to take time. Meanwhile one day at a time, starting a new life with Al-Anon.
Alyssa, thanks for sharing some of your life with us.
As I was reading your comment, I was reminded of the importance of living in the now, right now, and seeing things exactly as they are. One of the problems that many of us fall into is holding on to what the person in our life used to be like too tightly (we live in fantasy land sometimes). We hope and pray that that person will return, and that’s a good thing! BUT, at the same time that we are living in faith, trusting that the alcoholic will hit bottom, we also must see the reality of what we are living in. This can be a very challenging thing to do.
Now is the time to trust God and seek HIS guidance like never before. He will direct your path.
In many situations, God intervenes and the alcoholic gets sober, millions in the rooms of AA testify of the miracles that are possible.
So many people who share on this site testify of how much getting involved in Al-anon has helped; get plugged in there if you aren’t already.
Lastly, being with someone who is, as you said: “short tempered, angry and jealous”, is not a comfortable place to be anytime. I am sure that you feel as though you are walking on eggshells all of the time, never knowing when an outburst of anger will erupt. This type of situation is not healthy for you or your children.
Some Articles You May Be Interested In:
Feeling Lost Not Knowing Where To Turn
Coping With An Angry Alcoholic
How To Protect Yourself During Mood Swings Of An Alcoholic
I highly recommed AlAnon. No one can make decisions for you; only you can. But, AlAnon is free and these people “get it”. I went to theraptists, counselors, and groups, etc. for 10 years. Not until I went to AlAnon could I wrap my head around all this stuff. But, it is not your fault. You did not cause it; you can not control it and you can not cure it. God can change anyone, but anyone has to participate. Don’t stop praying for them, but this is about you and your kids now. Take care of you and your children. God Bless. Now go find a meeting. 🙂
Thank you everyone for your comments and advice. This is the first relationship I have ever been in dealing with an alcoholic boyfriend/spouse. I always told myself I would NEVER ever be with a man who drank everyday and when the drinking started and I got pregnant it was a very fearful situation and l I could think is Oh No What Have I Done? My three uncles have passed from alcohol and Iv seen my Aunts and cousins grow up in this mess and I said I would never ever tolerate that but day by day a little less of me and more of him became the reality. I haven’t seen him or spoken to him since Wednesday & everytime I have left I have been the one to run back and put the peices together. He never calls or contacts me anyway so I always knew deep down in my heart that he never loved me or my two sons & after hearing he “never wanted this baby” that was my last straw. I have had enough & I will not go back to this situation I just won’t do it. I can’t for my sons and my new baby arriving in January. My kids deserve better and my faith says if God led me to leave him provided the peace in my heart not to have a breakdown and be at peace about this situation then I believe he is going to provide and bring us all through this. I am Physical Therapist Assistant I graduated in 09′ from LCCC so I don’t have to rely on him financially. I make good money, pay my bills on time I just never ever ever wanted to raise another child by myself. It was hard enough raising my already two sons & now Iv drug another child into a fatherless situation. It’s frustrating and discouraging but I’m leaning on God more then ever I will NOT go back & he will NOT chase me or come after me to “save” our relationship so I am free to trust my God in all his faithfulness and promises. Iv only been dealing with this for 18 months how have you guys been dealing with this for so long? How did u put up with the insults anger cheating out all nighters & drunken fights for so long?
The posts you received are marvelous. As one person said, we are all touched by alcoholism on this site. Seeking help is the best advice you have been given – Al-anon and a wonderful therapist can guide you through this difficult time.
I left my husband when my 2nd son was 5 months old. At that time, I didn’t have a goal or a plan! The drinking had taken over my ex’s life even though he was a pilot in the AF! Imagine him trying to conceal that! Just putting one foot in front of the other, reaching out for guidance from a therapist and landing a fantastic job in a corporation (benefits!) made a huge difference in my life. There were moments when I was very sad about the divorce, etc. But, today, am very content and involved in a great life. I believe our healing comes when we just start moving – plans and goals appear as the changes begin.
Trust your inner strength. Please keep your health for this darling baby you are carrying. You can do it – I am rooting for you here in Maryland! Keep posting so we know how you are doing.
Thank You C. For your support. I appreciate everyone so much. My family and friends do t offer much support or help they just think “I’m dumb” for having put up with this and make me feel like imbibing birth to am abomination or something but I know that’s not true. Tomorrow I am 25 weeks & as I feel him moving around inside me everyday I think to myself well if he never did anything else for me I am carrying the best part of him inside me & I am excited about my new addition & so are my other two boys. I know that it won’t be easy but I also know that my children cannot grow up walking on egg shells and begging for me to take them home when “he” is in one of his moods. If he don’t want this baby, I do & God does & my children come first. I believe that God will provide & continue to bring me peace even in my darkest hours. My 11 year old has stepped up to the plate and been so amazing tonight he said “now that I’m the man of the house mom, do u need any help with anything?” It was adorable. Please just continue to pray for me and my three boys. It’s amazing how we can overcome these situations & get away from them with strength through our God in heaven.
I am so proud of you. You Go Girl! I know some day I will be able to go, too.
Sorry everyone, but I couldn’t figure out how to post a new question. I just need to talk to someone right now who understand because I am feeling so mad/hurt/sad. My boyfriend of 13 years and I live apart at the current time. I ask him to call me in the morning so I know he is ok. Anything can happen when one lives alone and especially when your an alcoholic. Well.. I have been trying to call/text him for the last 3 hours and no reply. This is normal for him and he always has an excuse of why he didn’t answer. I set and worry sick about him if I don’t hear from him. Did he die in his sleep, did he have an accident, etc. I have had the conversation with him many times (when he is sober) and asked him to please just give me a quick call in the morning to let me know he is ok and then I am good to go with no worries. He promises he will then never does and I know it sounds ridiculous, but it REALLY hurts me. I don’t know whether to scream at him when he calls or just act like it is no big deal. His boss just died 2 days ago and was found at his house 2 days after he died, so you think my boyfriend would understand where my fears are coming from. Please someone tell me how to cope.
Never apologize for being discouraged and feeling afraid and uncertain there all characteristics that we have all been through living with an alcoholic. It’s called co-dependency. Let me tell ya a little about my life recently. 7 days ago I lefty fiancée of 18 months whom I am pregnant by and changed my phone number he cannot contact me anymore. He is an alcoholic. I moved back home about 2 months ago and were were/are living SEPERATELY thinking it would get better and he would wake up if I moved home and he would miss us if we were seperated. Yea Right. He just had the freedom to drink more and come and go as he pleased now no one to answer too. I used to get anxious and worried and frustrated and make him angry when I bothered him by texting or calling when he wouldn’t answer. We have all been there and done that. Dealing with people like them are TOUGH! They know no wrong, care about only their alcohol and nothing or no one will change them but God! WE CANNOT LOVE THEM ENOUGH TO CHANGE THEM! They have to hot rock bottom with or without us. In my situation I’m choosing to raise my already two boys & my son on the way in the peace and serenity of my home. I reccomend the book Co-Dependent No More! I read it, it is absolutely great & helpful. You need to know you are worth so much more than this situation and God Loves You So Much More Than You Will Ever Know! Trust Him, Pray my darling! He has removed all my sadness and fear and filled me with hope and peace. I am so peaceful now. I don’t even care what he is doing right now or why or how or whether he is thinking about me or us. HE WILL ONE DAY FALL TO HIS KNEES & GO BACK TO THE FOUNDATION HE WAS RAISED ON BECAUSE HE IS WRONG & GOD ALWAYS BRINGS YOU BACK TO WHERE HE WANTS YOU TO BE BU REMOVING EVERYTHING! You are beautiful and deserve so much more than this stress and the hassle of dealing with this man and all his selfishness.
Alyssa: Thank you. At 5pm tonight he finally called. It is the latest he has ever been with the call back. Yup, excuse after excuse. I so wanted to lash out at him, but I didn’t. I know it wouldn’t make anything any better so why bother. I appreciate your response. I am not married to him and have no kids by him and don’t need him financially. We have been together 13 years. All my friends and family tell me I am crazy and they just don’t get why I don’t just cut all ties. I guess I don’t either. Like you said codependent? I tried Al Anon meetings, but I live in a very small town and only 1 meeting is offered in our area and I didn’t care for it. I do pray daily for something better, but know in my heart and mind that it can’t happen if I am still involved with him. Best of luck to you as well & hopefully someday I can be as strong as you and find a way out. Hopefully soon!
Well it’s been 8 days no contact what so ever. I already know how he “rolls” he doesn’t harass or contact me it’s always me that goes back but this time I will not go back I will not find excuses to “take some of his things to him at his work” I just will not. Cutting all tied is just that. No looking back now. Today I was feeling so discouraged and angry and found myself missing him & thinking “maybe I could write him a letter” however Iv done this last time I moved out I left a note on his bible. It didn’t make a difference he still “left me alone” got wasted every night and slept with the chic down the street. The same girl he has slept with twice now. I know that is who he is with. Me I’m not talking to texting or visiting anyone other than family and spending much needed time with my kids & working 5 days a week and trying to get some much needed peaceful rest. When I feel the urge to contact him I just tell him “he doesn’t care about you your two boys or this baby” “All he cared about is himself and his alcohol & his addiction” “you cannot reach him, he needs help you cannot give him” “LET GO & LET GOD” ladies I won’t lie some days I feel so tired I can’t breath b/c my heart is heavy and I am sad from thinking about the memories we made but the last words spoken to me were “I never wanted this baby” “I am psycho” so those words over ride the memories but at some point I will have to forgive him to love forward and understand he has a disease and is sick. I don’t want him bothering me my kids or this baby. If he gets sober more power to him then maybe maybe I can give him a Janice but this is a man that has spent his entire life in and out of prison in trouble with the law one fight after another one DUI after another & he just got out after spending 9 yrs in prison. Like I said I met him at church he wasn’t so bad in the beginning. The warning signs were there but “I didn’t want to give up on him” “I loved him” we’ll he never loved me he changed and turned into a monster. He doesn’t care about anything or anyone but himself. He is who he is and no one can change him but God. Anyways thanks for letting me vent! This is my day today.
GOD BLESS EVERYONE!
I am a woman married to a man for 14 years , had a good relationship ,even with my children, but now its like, he fears my relationship with my children or even me having them over for holidays , it becomes a argument. I love my children ,but I wont let a barrier, come between me and my children. I love him , but we also sleep in separate beds, have been for years, says I snore. but he does too. I just want happiness and love of a man ,who loves me ,not a drink.
[…] but he becomes invincible and says really mean things especially to my oldest and to me (Verbally Abusive Alcoholic). We ignore it because we just are used to ignoring it. In the last month he has started to […]