Husband Having Blackouts From Drinking Too Much

Banner 37 Audio LessonsThe following is a guest post from Claudia. Her husband has had a drinking problem for many years. Recently he has been having blackouts when he drinks too much and can’t remember anything afterward. His alcoholism is causing major disruptions in their family. Claudia is  hoping to find help for her husband.

Guest post by: Claudia
I have read everyone’s comments, experiences, results, and testimonials. I honestly thought that I was alone in this journey and didn’t realize how big this is. Sometimes I feel like this is beyond my control and just want to give up on everything but then I look at my children and I know how much we love my husband/their dad and that alone gives me so much strength to keep going.

I have been married for 20 years and like all marriages we’ve had our ups and we’ve had our downs but we are still fighting to make it with lots of prayer and hope. I still don’t think I know how to cope with a lot of the different situations and scenarios that I’m faced with.

Good Video Explaining Blackouts:

I can go on and on and on but the real problem is alcohol and the effects it has on my husband. He’s not violent towards the kids or me but he becomes invincible and says really mean things especially to my oldest and to me (Verbally Abusive Alcoholic). We ignore it because we just are used to ignoring it. In the last month he has started to black out as a matter of fact he’s had two within the last two weeks. This last one was really bad he doesn’t even remember anything that happened and woke up with a black-eye that he has had now for almost a week.

I told him very calmly that from now on if he says he is going to drink I am not going to say anything to him. I’m going to leave it up to him because I have honestly tried to help him and am finished. In the past he has bean clean for eight months before, of course this was years ago. Now it’s to the point where if he promises me today that he’s not gonna drink or that he is going to quit, he can go maybe two days or three and then he’ll find an excuse to drink again.

I advised him that I am not putting my kids through any more turmoil anymore, especially having them hear his dirty talk. I’m stressed out. I’m really trying hard to keep it together he hasn’t had a drop of anything since Friday night and it’s been really nice at home without him drinking. I just know in my heart and I can feel it in my stomach that he is going to drink again. I need to find him some help but I need him to want this help  I find for him (Preparing For An Alcoholic To Hit Bottom).

Thank you all for listening.

Please feel free to leave a comment below.

16 comments to Husband Having Blackouts From Drinking Too Much

  • Alan

    We all feel for you, you must look after yourself and the Children, it’s up to him, if wants to drink, he will, if he wants to get help, he will, it’s a long hard road, I wish you the best.

  • Dina

    Join Al-anon. They have helped me cope with my love ones drinking!

  • Cheri

    I feel for you and agree with Dina, join al-anon. In addition see a therapist and there’s Al-ateen for the kids. And very important, take care of you. Don’t dwell on the A.

  • joella

    how do you find an Al-anon group? my problem is that i cant drive far. i have my own business and work full time. ive been with my Jimmy for 11 yrs and at this point its not an option to leave because of my business. and no kids involved. I kow you are all thinking its stupid that i dont get away but its my business ive wanted all my life ive got it and if i move i will loose it. and he wont leave. his family im sure has just had enough and doesnt respond to my pleads. i have taken steps to secure myself if this beats him. but just need someone in m shoes to talk to……… Tired mentally and emotionally!!!

  • JC

    Joella, you can go here to find a meeting nearest you:

  • Liz

    My fiancé and I moved in together about 1 year ago. Prior to that, we dated and lived apart for 2 yrs.
    She is a raging alcoholic and it became more apparent living together. I could never problem solve with her – always excuses, casting blame and spinning it back on me. Yelling at me and then in a few hrs or days act like nothing happened. Told me she doesn’t love me anymore and isn’t in love w me anymore and that I am dead to her. Forget the lovemaking – that was almost zero. When I would complain or ask for more – I was the nag, no fun, ball and chain. Two weeks ago she did not come home. All of this verball and emotional abuse has worsened my depression. Now she does a 180 and screams at me she is moving out back home w parents. She kid 49 yrs old! I
    She is moving a little at a time and being cruel in texts and on phone. I had to block her.
    Help! Any one going through this too? Words of comfort?

  • Jen

    Joella & Claudia, if for any reason you cannot find an Al anon meeting near you, there are online & phone meetings too. Is the listing of phone meetings.

    There are also private FB groups for support, people who have been in the same situation & can help. They will also suggest going to Al anon though. 🙂 prayers for you both.

  • Julie

    Hi all. It’s good to see that others have these situations even though we “know” it to be true. My (45 year old) partner and I have been living together for two years. Before that we had a long distance relationship for two years. We knew each other decades ago and reconnected via the internet and some mutual friends. I always knew drugs and drinking were a part of his past. I quite my job (hard to get a job in my field) two years ago to move and be with him. I gave away so much of what I had owned as we figured we’d get our own stuff together. Instead, I ended up with a very stressful job outside of my field, and coming home to a partner who was so drunk that he was passed out on the floor. I did not know that this happened every few months because when I would see him he would not be that way. He also becomes VERY verbally abusive when drunk and breaks things (cups, furniture, shouts so loud very embarrassing things that the neighbors all hear it)…. The first times I saw him this way it just broke my heart and the feeling that I had was “oh my god, you are not well, what’s wrong, how can I help or comfort?” Then it was being angry, tired, anxious… and what I have learned is that alchoholism impacts him even when he is not drunk. It makes him short tempered and he finds fault with me all the time. I learned that sometimes the alchoholic will project his negative feelings on to whoever is around- quite often those closest. This has been heart breaking and I am as you all are exhausted. It’s gotten bad enough that he withdrew and now we live in the same apartment but he’s pretty much always in “the other room”. Again, heartbreaking. I did not uproot at this age to live alone, but rather to have a partner. It seems there are only shreds of what love we had left NOT because I do not love him but I just can’t sustain the roller coaster. It’s making me shut down from other things. I went to a few al anon meetings and they can help. Some are strange but keep looking and you will find ones that feel “right to you”. I do not know how to do the dance of not enabling or being codependent, but I do know and am trying to know that he has to make the decision to stop on his own. I have tried, and I cannot do that for him! Sadly I don’t think mine will… it has been too long for him and he does not have any other means with which to cope with life. He is resistant to AA and feels he is different than others so he’s not into the group thing and he hates the idea of therapy or counselling. Grief, anger, pity, despair, worry, exhaustion and just so darned sad so often… I think I either have to ask him to leave or leave myself and that’s just such a lost dream and though he can get so very angry and is often difficult to be around I still don’t want to see him hurt either. The More I learn about this though, the more I think we need to love and let go. I can’t DO that, but it seems the healthiest path. I wish I could find another.

  • C

    Alan is so right – they will only stop drinking on their own. The alcoholic will consume your thoughts for some reason. I remember trying to go to a mall and just enjoy all the activity in the stores. I was overwhelmed with thoughts of my bf drinking daily and I lost my desire to shop and treat myself to something to eat. I would go to the beach near us and try to clear my head or go to the local expresso cafe – nothing worked. I told my bf I was becoming ill because of his drinking and mean treatment. He would be totally different on the phone with his relatives!!

    The only way we managed was to spend time apart – he had another house 100 miles away and he would go there for a week or so to “catch up”. I think he drank the whole time he was away.

    I tried Al-anon but a one-on-one therapy session was what I needed. I hope you can detach with love.

  • AM

    Hi Liz, Julie, C et al…..I feel like I have written each of your stories. They can take you down with them .
    I was the best thing that happened to this guy for almost 8 years. I gave and gave and gave to him. What did I get in return? It was great in beginning but in the back of my mind I thought something is just not right.
    After all I have done for him, He just stopped talking to me. Sent two lovely texts but I am not chasing someone who has disrespected me so much.Neighbors told me of his antics….. he doesn’t talk to most of his family. Has lied to get a disability. And lied to make himself look good to me. A neighbor said to me that now would be a great time to make a break completely. When you love someone, this is hard. You care about them.
    But you need to love yourself more. There were times when daughter wouldn’t speak to him. Ex wife must be doing the happy dance. Not to be mean but you need to worry about yourself . Pray for yourself and for them.
    They need to want to get help and that may not happen. They like drinking. Peace to all.

  • Patti

    Well, I really enjoyed last night’s Al Anon meeting. So tonight with my AH was a real bad time. He told me I need to just back off and let him drink “a few beers” so that his pain goes away for awhile. He says he works hard and it is painful. . I’m gonna be so lucky happy/lucky because he’s gonna make a lot of money before he “goes” so that I’ll have a good life after he’s gone. Ha! I just realized that sounds like such an Emotional “Hijacking/Kidnapping? drama move” to get my attention. Too bad it makes me crazy! My friend mailed me an article about Using Alchohol to Control Pain. The Dr. writer said alc. only blocks the pain a short while, and when it returns it’s worse! Why would my husband imagine that I’d rather have $. I dream of moving to a smaller house, with a bigger yard. Get the bills down a bit and be able to do something fun! We haven’t been on a vacation in 10+ years. Not even a weekend getaway! Duh! That could be a large part of the problem, but last vacation he was toasted the whole time and I didn’t enjoy his company. The romance seems to have left with the vacations!!! I know the person I fell in love with is in there, but I think he loves the booze more than me now. He used to hold my hands and stuff, but now he’s physically cold as ice. I feel that he expects me to do everything….I’m very sad tonight. I’m going to go find my bible and spend some time with my Lord, who loves me so much he counts the hairs on my head! Jesus please bless me with your peace and grace.

  • Patti

    Joella, I can totally get what you’re saying. I also am self employed, and it has paid our bills. We have built up a nice lifestyle, but I don’t enjoy it anymore. My AH acts like he hates his job/as owner, and I find a large part of the work that we shared is now on my desk. He is also short tempered to me from first thing in the morning, until 5:15, when he’s had some drinks and then he get’s kinda sickly sweet, and I dislike that intensely! I really hate when I call him about a job and he yells at me over the phone! I’m getting behind and I need to “share back” with him! My goal is to catch up then quit, go find a job that is less stressful. My AH and I used to make a great team, but now not so much. I’m hoping there’s a chance that removing myself from the job will give our marriage a chance to heal. We used to have so much fun…camping & fishing. Now the Work seems to be Everything. It doesn’t feel worth it to me….I feel so naieve I didn’t see it coming. Am working on a back up plan, but a split will be rough on everyone. The “bright spot” is that we don’t have kids….I’m glad because MY childhood in a broken home led to a lot of childhood shame and guilt, and still fighting that. Thank God for Jesus and for Al Anon!

  • Marilyn

    I went though exactly the same as you
    Never hit me or my children but was very nasty with his mouth said very nasty things towards me and my kids
    I was married to him for ten years and in the end I got rid because I couldn’t cope with it anymore lucky they weren’t his kids and they didn’t deserve to put up with all his crap anymore and nor did I
    I was stress all the time I even suffer a heart attack though it all so it was time to get rid
    You can’t help them they have got to want to help them self’s
    He promise all the time he would stop drinking
    All that is happening is you live in a pattern
    It’s the best thing I done was divorce him
    Don’t get me wrong I still love him and don’t think I will ever stop but I also hate him for what he put us though
    I still carry a lot of anger inside me but it’s so nice not coming home to a vile alcoholic and having nasty things said about you and your kids
    There manipulating compossieve liers and all they care about is there drink

  • Kathi

    It is nice to see that there are other people in same situation as myself. Been with my spouse for 17 years. I too thought that he would quit. I kid myself that I had hopes for when we had children he’d stop. It’s now gotten to the point that it’s daily and his health is drastically declining. He will look at doctors and say find what’s wrong when in reality, the drink is what is killing him. Our own daughter can’t fathom him and asks me daily, can we leave yet. I have stayed many years putting up with the nasty comments, accusations, and rude comments let alone the embarrassment he has caused the kids. (he tends to black out and wander around the house naked when kids have friends over). The black outs are horrible at times and he will argue that he never said/did what I tell him he did. Feeling like a caged animal with no way out. I’ve been to alanon and my daughter to ala-teen. Helps yes. I too carry resentment and anger, my kids didn’t deserve this and neither did I.

  • I can sympathize with Claudia. My partner has made promises that he will quit drinking, but it never comes to fruition. He does the same as Claudia’s husband. He drinks, become belligerent and does some stupid things. The next day, he does not remember anything. I do not understand why he does this, as we had a friend, who was younger, die from alcoholism. I am trying to be patient. I have joined al-anon online, and the comments do help at times. I just feel so helpless, and want to “fix” him. I have come to the realization that I can not do that. He becomes belittling and vicious towards me. Doesanyone have any ideas on just how I can deal with this behavior. I do love him.

  • My AH had about 30 years of sobriety and then started drinking again. He lives very secret life and only sleeps here. He doesn’t drink around me or our teenagers. Mt 16Year old said he has started vomiting after he’s been up a couple hours. AH spends time with him only because 16yo is the only one who will spend time with him on weekends and some weekday mornings. Vomiting because of heavy drinking night before? My other question is how would we know if he is having blackouts? The very secret life says a lot about what he doesn’t want us to know.

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