Guest Post By: Jenna
I met him March of 2014, and started to date him that May. He was everything to me. Charming, loving, caring, talented, motivated. I fell in love with him instantly. It didn’t take him long into our relationship for him to tell me he was an alcoholic.
To me, it didn’t matter. I grew up with one. My father was an alcoholic for 45 years of his life, and recovered and sober for the past 2.
My boyfriend went to rehab. He sought help. If my dad did it, I thought, so could my boyfriend.
The day after he got out of rehab, he relapsed (Alcoholic Boyfriend Relapsed). He contacted his ex girlfriends, told them he wanted to have their babies and wanted to marry them.I kicked him out of the house when I found out. Three days later, I took him back out of desperation. He was apologetic. He charmed his way back into my heart.
Since then, he has called me names – too horrible to write down. He has called my mom names, has made me feel crazy, and has made me feel broken. He’s threatened me, and broken up with and blocked me out about 4 times a week in the past year (his way of gaining power and control over my life).
We finally broke up this morning after I found out he had continued to contact his ex girlfriend. And I’m hoping this time it’s for good. He says I am the reason my father is an alcoholic (How To Handle An Alcoholic Blaming), and I am the reason that his life is so screwed up. I know this is victim blaming, and I know he is gas-lighting, but it still hurts to much to hear. I have lost a year and a half of my life on this man. And yet, when he comes crawling back to me, I am afraid I will be tempted to take him back.
I have lost all control over my life. I feel like I can’t even complete the simplest task without his help or opinion. I don’t even know who I am anymore, and I don’t know how I got this low. But more importantly – I have no idea how to get myself back up.
Please feel free to leave a comment below.
JC: Jenna, many of us have found help through attending Al-anon meetings. Find some meetings in your area and give Al-anon a try for about six weeks or so. Anytime we experience a relationship breakup it hurts. I am sure that you’ve been in deep pain over all of this insanity for a while now. This is a good time for you to get better and to find yourself again. Read this article: Detaching From An Alcoholic. This is a good story to read as well: Leaving An Alcoholic.
Please don’t believe that you can not make it without him. You have so much worth! Be strong and do what is the best for you. Please don’t fall for the manipulation and acts that make you doubt yourself.
Jenna, congratulations to you for having the courage to take your life back. I’ve been with my alcoholic for almost 40 years and I know the roller coaster lifestyle. For too long I have taken a backseat to his affliction. Everything revolves around keeping him happy or at the very least not rocking the boat the he is inevitably drilling holes in. I struggle everyday to justify staying. Someday I hope to love and value myself enough to be able to do what you did and say “enough is enough”. 40 years is a long time, I guess I’m a slow learner. Good luck to you and your future
Hi Jenna, I find it’s very important to acknowledge where you are in your head. The fact that you are being honest about where you are is a really good thing. If he stays in your life by taking him back you will eventually become desensitized to the horrible things he says and you will start to feel really trapped.
And that’s when it’s not love anymore, I think. It’s just a bad habit of living that way. I don’t have answers I’m in a similiar situation. I just know in my heart if you have the strength not to take him back you will have your life back. And it will hurt for awhile but you will find yourself again. And you will be stronger and definitely happier. I’m trying to do that. So I wish is both strength.
Jenna, perhaps it seems as though you’ve lost a year and a half of your life, but you haven’t. I know the pain is so intense right now that some comments may sound dumb. Well, here goes, this relationship experience will make you wiser, emotionally stronger and a better partner in your next relationship.
I know this break up hurts right now, but you will be better off without him. I promise you that you will start to feel better, things just take time.
Hi Jenna, it’s good to read that you’ve decided that you deserve better. Don’t forget that. Even those of us still in relationships like yours can find strength and turn the focus back on ourselves. Now that you are physically free from the relationship, it’s time to set your mind free too. No need to obsess over him and your helplessness. Easier said than done, I know. This is where Al-anon or even support groups or counseling could help you. Focus on changing your thoughts… Focus on making your life awesome. If you can’t get to a meeting, there are private FB groups that I’ve found helpful. Definitely read the article about detachment too! wishing you all the best.
Good for you for being wise enough to see all the writing on the wall! When people show you who they are, we must listen to our hearts. If a person is constantly putting you down and berating you, your heart hurts because that is not the way a relationship is supposed to be. Count your blessings that you are not married/children….surround yourself with people who lift you up! Life is hard enough in the normal circumstances, let alone choosing to be in an alcoholic relationship. Keep reminding yourself that you made the best decision and pray, pray, pray that God will give you the strength to keep moving forward. Envision the life you do want to live. Make a list of attributes you want in a partner, make a vision board, and work on getting yourself inspired again, play again, do what you love….when you take action on what you can control, life seems to get “lighter” and you will begin to emerge as the beautiful flower you are. Don’t look at it as 1 1/2 years lost, but turn it around into 1 1/2 years of learning what you definitely don’t want for your future. Put it into perspective. I commend you for being brave and kicking him out. Stick to your guns. If you choose not to and let him back in, just brace yourself for a lifetime of roller-coaster insanity living. Is that really what you want? Would you raise innocent children with this man? Ask yourself all these questions day by day…your answers will help you with the courage and strength you need to hold your head up high. You deserve a great guy who adores and cherishes you. A mature man who will take the lead, provide financially and protect his lover. That’s what a real man does. Wish I made that choice before I said “I do” to my alcoholic. Although he has been sober for the past 5 months, he is still very much a little boy. I have 2 kids, and he is my 3rd…yuck! What I am saying is, in most cases of alcoholic, even if they don’t drink, their actions are still the same….they are takers and very selfish due to the nature of the beast. I wish you well and have no doubt that you will do this and will begin to flourish back to your self again!
Jenna, I literally moved 2 states away when I was in your position so I understand your worry about giving in and taking him back. But you sound far and away wiser than I at that time in my life.
My heart goes out to you. Take it day by day and remind yourself that although you love him you can’t continue like that. It will be hard very hard but also look at it as if you continue down this path with him it will destroy you as well.
This group has been a life saver for me as it has helped me to see the patterns of addictions and also that I wasn’t the bad one, the crazy one.
I will keep you in my prayers. One day at a time and love him from afar.
I love this site because its the only honest un-censored discussion blog about this painful subject of friends of alcoholics.
Jenna’s story above validates for me everything i’ve been learning as a man involved with an alcoholic/addict woman, the cheating, it never ends, they keep a series of lifelines. I dont even think they like one girlfriend of boyfriend more than the other its just humans to keep them busy, and entertained so the alcoholic/addict can continue to party and feel validated.
I just watched a documentary on Al Capone. Pretty bad behaving guy, he got alot of validation from his cronies in the mob to continue being a bad guy. To me thats the big component of what the alc gets with all these lovers, validation and enabling. The new potential lover, does not realize they too will get cheated on down the road, and if they also are an alc/addict its better because they will tit for tat cheat. Me I get my validation by hearing stories like jenna, who’s seem to come to and understanding that the relationship with the alcoholic man was “un-work-able.
Jenna: This was a life experience. You are wiser and will take your time to get involved again. Right now, get out and enjoy being on your own – eat in a neat restaurant, ride a bike, join a ski club (there are great activities all year round), find your passion. We have one life – don’t waste one more day focused on anyone but you and your family and friends. An alcoholic will always be calling/texting others – it is their nature. They are never happy with the one they are currently dating.
Wishing you adventures.
How naive was I of this disease my parents were both tea to totalalars yet I married an Alcoholic.He has been in a program and has now relapsed and yes apparently it is all my fault.I have been married to him for 28 years and always knew something wasn’t right I could never put my finger on it though until he went into a rehab program and I went to Al Anon.My heart goes out to everyone effected by this disease.Stay strongxx
I wish you were sitting here in the same room with me. Your story is where mine began. Now today, I face a retrial where I am being accused of repeatedly shooting him (with a BB gun) he’s been allowed to stay in my house… He has no job no income nothing to his name and to top it off. I did turn to AA. But many in the ala non group are also in the aa group and I was just informed he’s been sleeping with one of them for a year. And she has some of my possessions. I have never had any encounters with law officials until now and he simply stated he lives at my house so I must legally evict him yet I have a no contact order on my own home. I don’t sleep can’t eat. Hide my car and sleep at a different house each night. I have one bag of clothes. He promised to kill me and I finally believe him. He has broken into two of my grown sons homes. And he still is protected. I have to face him today knowing that his lies determine my future. I am so afraid. Protect yourself. Love shouldn’t hurt.
WOW, Becky…I can actually feel the anxiety that you are living in. I was with an abusive alcoholic once and was scared most of the time because I never knew when she was going to physically abuse me. What you are experiencing is far worse than my experience, but I totally agree with you, LOVE SHOULDN’T HURT! I’ve been out of a relationship with an alcoholic for many years and will never get involved with one again, NEVER! I can honestly say that when the alcoholic got really addicted to all the carp that season of my life was the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to live through.
Becky, this will eventually pass. Take extra care of yourself right now.
I completely understand. Mine lasted 7 years before I had enough. They have this way of getting power and control over us and then the ole “Baiting and Blasting” where they bait you back and then BLAST you; verbalizing to everyone that everything is YOUR fault. BUT IT IS NOT!!! I have been where you have been and each time I took him back. Mine is also a Malignant Narcissist…you get to the point Jenna where you have to draw the line in the sand, grab the bull by the horns and simply say to yourself, “I am better than this.” NO CONTACT. Let me say that again….NO CONTACT. If he calls, texts, anything…..actually you should block him. If he comes over don’t answer the door.
I know it is tough and I feel your pain. YOU are better than this. Although it is easier said than done, you have to do what makes YOU happy. Keep yourself busy. DO NOT let this person back in your life under any circumstances.
I have lived that life for seven years. Each time he came back and left again I think I became stronger. It eventually got to the point where I was the epidomy of evil and was to blame if the sun wasn’t shining (so to speak). The first few days was hard. I blocked him from my phone, (I transferred his calls from my home phone number to a girl I know he was seeing behind my back), he got a data/MMS text through but I DID NOT RESPOND. That is what they are looking for. A response to him…positive or negative gives him the “control.”
I will pray that you find the courage to do what you know is right. God has a plan for you and it starts by looking in the mirror and knowing you are better than this!!!!
Jenna…..WOW! my relationship was almost 8 years. He lies, is perverted, I gave him a fabulous b’day party and he sent flowers to an old gf months later. My parents passed away and he didn’t do a damn thing . relationship was 95/5 if even that. Bought him every stitch of clothing on his back, helped his kids, gave him food and money and he just stopped talking to me. Has alienated so many. And the manipulation and selfishness is disgusting. He is a piece of garbage. His neighbors keep him at arms length. He took my heart, my money . my family’s money and stopped talking to me. I did not realize how bad his addiction is. He had absolutely no respect for me. His ex wife must be doing the happy dance. He is the most selfish, narcissistic person ever. I tried to see the good in this person. I believe in karma . his day is coming, my life is getting to be wonderful! Jenna run fast . AND REACH OUT TO THESE GREAT PEOPLE WHO BLOG. THEY SAVED ME FROM GOING CRAZY.
AND PUT YOUR FAITH IN GOD!
I have recently had the adventure of my life hiking through Yosemite National Park ,the San Jacinto Mountains and driving down the Pacific Coast Hwy.It made me feel alive. It humbled me.It stirs your soul when you are standing at 8500′ with your son, waiting for the sun to break over Yosemite Valley and get that first amazing picture. You look at each other and say nothing. Sunsets on the Ocean. The beauty of the Milky Way with the waves crashing in the dark.The experience left a mark on me. A beautiful release from it all. I will return to the mountains.
It is not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves. Sir Edmund Hilary
If any of you ever have a chance to do something amazing. DO IT! It will be your memories locked inside of you forever. To share with people you love. My son and I will have these memories forever.Just the two of us. Priceless. Stay Strong Always
When we realize the
person inside our self is literally falling apart validates the need for a better life. Most of us know
and have taken on a personal choice to improve
our condition. We find ourselves on a dedicated life style personal program to read, study and observe the way alcohol controls everyone near it. Breaking that control, by choosing to not fight, not argue, accepting that the AH will blame you for every crisis in his life will set your mind free. It will be small steps, then bigger steps, your heart
soul and spirit will rejoice in learning the simple things that will put you back on the path of life that is yours not the AH. I realize that this life is not perfect. we can honestly look at our life and find a comfortable place in our mind to go on.
K is right on with everything.
Enjoyed the article at top, I’m inspired to ask the same question, as I apply it to myself, was the author’s significant other extremely attractive? If the person weighed 300 lbs would she be inspired to take him back? I doubt it.
Its little spoken about, but one friend from alanon, married to alc woman posed this to me early on, as my alcoholic/addict gf is quite attractive and so was my guy friends ex wife and his shrink posed this question to him.
Talking about the “elephant” in the room, is important in my recovery, and I dont hear alot of people discussing the “physical appearance of their alcholoic/addict husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, so I pose the question to you all. ….
Most of the peoeple i met casually in recovery meetings beating their head against the wall, thinking this happenned because their parents were alcoholics, or etc….but WHAT IF they weren’t? I used to think mine were alcoholics until I got first hand experience wiht the disease by way of my alcoholic/addict girlfriend, who I have finally severed ties with, but on a scale of 1 to 10>>>for me she is a 10, and this definitely WITHTOUT a doubt made it harder to walk away.
FOR ME, i find the lies more convincing coming from a very pretty woman, whether it be the qualifier, or a sales person in a store.
I can’t think of any other obvious reason why someone would subject themself to the abuse like i did, the promisuicty, like the author, my girlfriend kept in touch with every boyfriend from her past, it was horrible…..if she was 300 lbs, i would not have accepted that. Nothing against over-weight people but my point is TO ME, it plays a role.
I pose this to the group,,,,If possible please advise on a scale of 1 to 10, if your person was attractive:
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