Living With A Mentally Abusive Alcoholic

Banner 37 Audio LessonsGuest Post By: Marina


I feel so low and lost. I have been working the Al-Anon program,
watching your videos, doing what I can to change my attitude and to
love unconditionally. I do not think I am strong enough to cope with
an active alcoholic. Before my husband, I was in an abusive
relationship for 7 years (physically, mentally, and emotionally
abusive). I had an eating disorder for the duration of that
relationship and it took a lot for me to overcome that. Now, to live
in a foreign country (with no family nor friends around), and to be
married to an alcoholic whom is mentally and emotionally abusive is
draining. I can’t say anything, I cannot have an opinion. Anything I
say, he gets angry and I am, “ruining a good thing/moment.” He can be
such a sweetheart, but it is becoming more rare. Everyday I wake up
and do my readings, remind myself of the slogans. I tell myself, I am
going to be happy today, the world and people are so beautiful, how
can I not be happy? I pray and thank God for my blessings and continue
to ask for strength. But to be honest JC, I cannot shake the feeling
that someone has tied my hands together, bound my legs to the back of
a truck and dragged me on a road filled with sharp rocks, broken
glass, and dirt. I have been dragged for so long, my body has become
numb to the pain.

We just went through a brutal battle with immigration. 18months of
tears, fighting, sleepless nights, stress, and struggle. Now, to be
faced with his alcoholism, my knees are buckling. His excessive
drinking during the process wasn’t his way of dealing with the
immigration. I now know he has been dealing with a pain and struggle
long before I ever came into the picture.

The resentment and bitterness are taking hold of my heart and I
desperately try to fight them off. I don’t know what to do, JC, I
don’t know what I can do. Any advice?

JC: Thanks for your submission Marina. You are not alone in dealing with a mentally and emotionally abusive alcohol addicted spouse.

Here are a few articles you my find some hope and ideas from:

Should I Stay With An Alcoholic

Christian Married To An Abusive Alcoholic

Warning Signs Abusive Alcoholic Relationship

17 comments to Living With A Mentally Abusive Alcoholic

  • Amy

    Please everyone, I need your help. When my boyfriend goes into his verbally abusive rage stage at 9 PM at night, what am I suppose to do? I have asked him to stop, it just makes it worse. I have sat there quietly, I have yelled back (which I know is a no-no), but a person can only take so much. We live in a 1 bedroom apt, so there is no where to go, but the bathroom. Most of the time these rants last for over 2 hours. I have no friends or relatives near by so what do I do? How do I block it out? I have a car, but where am I suppose to go in the dead of the winter for 2 hours? Please someone help me on advice of what I should do during these times of verbal abuse.

  • Amy,

    I was in the same boat as you however, I finally left my abusive boyfriend yesterday afternoon after he kept me up literally all night Thursday and he actually had the nerve to call 911 to falsely report I was drunk, abusing him and he was in fear of his life!! He had checked himself into a detox/rehab facility on November 24, 2014. After he was detoxed he felt miraculously cured. Against everyones attempt to persuade him to stay, he checked himself out 2 days ago and once he got home, all hell broke loose! I wasn’t aware he had checked himself out until he walked into the house and I was totally shocked. He immediately began to once again bully me, called me some horrible hurtful names, accused me of stealing his car (which was parked in our driveway). His verbal and mental abuse continued until 2:30 a.m. Friday morning. That’s when he became paranoid and convinced I was going to kill him while he slept. Like you, I had nowhere to go so I went into the basement to get away from him but he followed me totally convinced he needed to ‘stay vigilante’ all night because his paranoia was out of control. At 2:30 a.m. he called 911!! Told them I had been drinking, was drunk and was going to kill him and he feared for his life!! Five minutes later 3 police cars are at my house and I was scared to death! A very kind, compassionate young officer spoke to me alone, saw I was shaking, emotionally drained, obviously not drunk ( I don’t even drink!) And listened to me. Within minutes they removed my boyfriend from our home and I started packing! Last night I slept 12 hours and it was the first time in months i’ve had such a peaceful sleep. Amy..please don’t let this man tear you down or hurt you anymore! It was hard for me to leave but I am at peace with my decision and I will never go back to him. My mental, emotional, physical and most importantly, my spirtual health is way more important to me then this guys drinking problem. Leaving is easier said then done but staying is even harder. I’ll be praying for you.

  • Amy

    Thank you Patty. I am happy to hear you found the courage to leave, but sad to hear what you went thru. Wow, that must have been really difficult. Well, on my end of course the next day he apologized which he has done hundreds of times before, but this time I feel different. I don’t hate him because the is just not the type of person I am, but it’s just I don’t want to even be near him, look at him, talk to him, or even seem to care about what happens to him anymore. I guess I kind of feel like whatever. I have tried so hard for so long and I know in my heart no matter how much I want it he isn’t going to change. He told me he doesn’t want to and his beer is more important then me. My story goes way deeper then all of this, but it would take me a long time to type it. I wish you the best and hope I can someday soon find the courage you have to just get away from him once and for all and let him live his so called happy drunken life. Thanks for the prayers. I’ll do the same for you.

  • Amy

    Amy,what I had to do was get the focus off the A and what he is doing and get on with my life, I attend online alanon meetings, we live in a remote area and face to face meetings are so far away I get on this site and read and read, for YEARS I have fought, manipulated, well in short I have tried everything, and he is still drinking basically around a half gallon a day,what I did and am slowly doing is changing me, the only person I can change! I gave up tanning, walking, exercising, running anything and everything I ever enjoyed to spend my life obsessed over an alcoholic and trying to get him to stop drinking,I have been where you are and sometimes I still get just as mad and don’t even want to be near my A..When I am home I stay in my own room and he sleeps on the couch, I have to distance myself from the insanity for myself , being around it to much makes me feel crazy, sometimes he comes in here and I can tell he is going to try and fight with me,I divert his attention and ask him to go find something for me and he does..hey it works, then he comes back and asks me if I need anything and lays 200 dollars on the stand, I don’t say anything, then he goes to the store and flips the boat trailer he still had hooked to the back of the truck ( to drunk to remember it was still there ) I didn’t even say a word, no point ,, he has had several DUI’s and still drives, I have put him in jail for hurting me, the cops have been here several times over the years, we have had fights so bad the house was all but destroyed from throwing things and fighting..I have searched for bottles, I have confronted lies, I have watched him to go A.A only shut me up, I have heard countless I am a sorry’s and I am done drinking..I could go on and on..unless the A wants it themselves its simply not going to happen, no matter what we say or do…My A can also become very angry and rage when drinking the minute I came through the door today he started screaming about the dogs, I turned around and walked out and left for an hour, when I came back he was still trying to fight me with me about the dogs it was drunken foolishness I just agreed ,,and said o.k we are done , do what makes you he stops sometimes it can be so bad I cant find a way around it and I have to leave and I swear if I had to walk through ten feet of snow to get away from him if need be that is exactly what I would do…

  • Denise

    It’s the holidays. Supposed to be a happy time.Never with alcoholics. I call my son about getting together. No call back. Yeah- having a bad day. The booze is still flowing. Time for a walk with my dogs.

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  • So my ex-alcholic boyfriend will not leave me alone. He is still attempting to bully, control and verbally abuse me through emails, texts and phone calls to my family members. I have not responded to him at all and I know that’s pushing him over the edge even further. I want nothing to do with him but obviously he’s not accepting my choice. He is putting me down, calling me names, threatening to file ridiculously false made up charges against me and file a restraining order, against me! He continually calls and texts my father and is doing his best to get my folks to turn against me. The man isn’t just an alcoholic. I believe he’s mentally ill and needs anger management counseling and medication for bipolar. Any suggestions regarding how to stop this nut job from continually harrassing me? He threw me out of our home 9 days ago, wanted me gone and now he won’t leave me alone!! What’s wrong with?! So frustrated! !

  • Amy

    Sounds like typical alcoholic behavior to me,this is simply the way they are , I think he is just making a lot of noise he wants to get a reaction out of you, Mine has thrown me out of the house drunk, then come to find me the next morning professing his undying love, and tell me how he will never drink again, how he is going to go to A.A etc..only to drink again then if that doesn’t work he tries getting mad and harassing me, and about anything he can think of to stir the pot, think of them like big babies having a temper tantrum. Mine has called my parents drunk saying ridiculous stuff and also personal things about our relationship to them anything that in his head makes me look bad and him look good, but my parents know what he is and they just either hang up now or unplug the phone, you need to go to alanon, focus on yourself,alanon is a great program a life changing program, you cannot change them and what they are doing or how they are acting, but you can change yourself..keep your side of the street clean you will feel a lot better

  • Christina

    This sounds like my life on a daily basis. I am in such pain.I have to leave my alcoholic husband.I have a 14yr old son and it’s taking a toll on him. I am so afraid. He has made our lives a living hell! Putting me down calling me horrible horrible names accusing me of sleeping with other men and taking drugs. I have never touched a drug in my life. I don’t even drink alcohol. I am so depressed and feel sick. My life feels so overwhelming rite now. He is a monster. Nothing like the man I married 15yrs ago.I am 40 years old and I don’t know how to cope anymore.

  • Chloe

    Hi everyone,

    Its 3:49am and i am currently sitting on the couch after a very long argument with my emotionally abusive high functioning alcoholic. I left him last year after I developed an addiction of my own and his alcoholism was not helping my addiction. I saved myself from a long road of severe addiction that day i left. His brother and his brothers gf lived with us too and the gf was always doing things to intentionallly hurt me (admitted in a message) and also admitted that she hated me for the three out of four years i lived with them. She would tell lies about me and cause family drama and my boyfriend was always telling me to ignore it because he was drunk and could barely deal with his own problems (he would get angry when i told him something bothered me or wanted to talk). Both of my bf parents are alcoholics and his father is physically abusive when he is drunk and says very degrading things to his mom. She even had a black eye the other day and blamed it on the new puppy they got. Anyways, my bf tells me im nothing but a liar and a joke, he will lock me outside of the house leaving our dogs out. When he gets home from work, he paces around the house calling his friends and watching funny videos on Instagram. I usually get annoyed when he shows me a video because that is usually the only time he has his full attention on me and the fact that its for a stupid video makes me upset. When we argued tonight he was walking around the entire house, couldn’t look me in the eye, and called me every,name in the book. He has once thrown a landry basket full of my clothes at me one night when he was drunk and told me to leave the house or hes calling the cops. The cops know his fathers reputation and his as well. They would not be in his favor. My family is very distant ive been with him foe almost five years and his family then became mine which I enjoyed because i never had my parents around and there was no stability. However, his family hid all of their issues from me throughout the first two years until his mom and dad went at it one night very drunk and she hid under the picnic table from him. Which makes me surprised that he would call me such nasty names and always kick me out (for like 15 min i would sit in the car and then if i went to leave he said he would call the cops and tell them I’m getting agressive or drunk driving if i had two drinks or even just one and stand behind the car so I dont leave. He threatens to take off of work to help me pack all of my shit if we argue the night before. He is constantly interrogating me over the most ridiculous things like why I went to the store. Yesterday he also accused me of sleeping with my old boss who sells kitchenware for CUTCO because he came by to sell a knife set to me and got into a car accident outside the house on the way and left his car in the driveway until his friend got it later on. Anyways he ended up breaking his back due to a pre-existing injury and we have a huge commercial residential property with plenty of,room for him to leave it twmporarily so I didn’t think it would have turned into him accusing me of having an alterior motive with my old boss who is very obviously unattractive. He kicked me out that night too and would not give me my dog and said he would tell the cops nothing in the house is mine when 98% of everything was mine that I moved in with us after i left my parents house (i have 70in flat screens, a grand piano…. ECT. Basically everything was moved in there with me or purchased by me after his parents and brother moved out and took everything with them. Literally everything and ive spent thousands on essentials that we needed since ive been there. He has bought nothing besides toilet paoer and dog food once and complained all day and week about how he had to get it. I even paid all $1600 rent on my own last month thinking it would make him less stressed since hes been tight on money and it would get him ahead a little. I also handed him $100 yesterday just because I knew he was low on cash until payday then complained i didn’t clean up good enough in the house that day
    His buddy came over the same day after I gave him the money and pretty sure he sold him cocaine. idk what the hell to do with him hes so mean, lies constantly, and talks down to everyone like his shit dont stink (he is ALWAYS right and if hes wrong hell manipulate himself into being right) anyone have any input on how to get through to him? Ive been with him since i was 18
    I’m 24 now and hes 26… we used to be best friends, and did everything together, we were literally impossible to separate. I cant even look at old pictures of us without crying because he feels like a stranger to me now and I don’t know he got himself into this mess. He was my hero. I wish this never happend to him. I went through addiction and depression. I just hope he doesn’t give up because I’m not giving up on him even if we cant work things out i want to make sure he finds himself again. Please let me know what has worked for you if you can relate in any way. Do you think he is slightly sociopathic? Apologies for jumping around in my writing. I just wanted to make sure i covered most WO writing a book.


  • Rhonda Munholland

    I have been living with my new boyfriend for almost 6 months and he drank some when we were together but now he drinks to excess everyday.
    I can live with that, however now I think he is being sexual abusive to my 12 year old daughter. There was an investigation at her school and they found nothing, but I still fear he is up to something.
    How do I protect my daughter as he might have brainwashed her in thinking its ok for him to abuse her and to lie to the people she should be trusting.
    I need help but don’t know where or who to turn to.

  • Barbara

    Rhonda, please find an Al-anon meeting for yourself, and an Al-ateen meeting for your daughter. Find a way to move out from your situation as you risk losing your daughter. You have to make yourself and your daughter more important that his sicknesses. Your actions or lack of will set her place in life forever. Trust your instincts. I see that you posted your plea on my birthday. I had gone to visit my alcoholic and quickly found out that he is actively drinking. I just turned 69, and he is 70. They rarely change. Save yourself. I did. I moved out. I don’t even want my dogs exposed to his monster behavior. Save your daughter. You can do this. Get yourself to Al-anon as fast as you can. They will help you. Do it, now. Please. Love and help are out there. Take it. You deserve it.

  • This information is not true. I don’t know who to contact to get off of blog. My jealous ex stalker boyfriend posted.the lies. Shameful

  • Kate

    Amy. After 32 years of constant abuse. Intermittent explosive behavior and alcoholic living with a physically and verbally abusive husband. I am going to get a divorce. I am in the later stages of life. And my girlfriend asked me. If you had only one year left to live. Would you want to live it with him or by yourself. I knew my answer. I cannot do this anymore. I am tired

  • Helena

    This is why its hard to leave and I believe if you can understand the following piece you can leave: the alcoholic personality will in every way convince you that your are causing him pain and grief. If you are en empathetic caring person, you only begin to work harder to stay, to prove your love. Once you have fallen into that tango, you are in trouble because he will over and over make you feel like your are not enough. Also many of us who love alcoholics believe that they need us, and if we have any abadnoment wound of over our won, we will take all their abuse, because “they needs us” and because in a very backwards way that makes us feel like we will never be abandoned, which is our greatest fear. But THEY CAN LEAVE, and then you will feel the pain of your own self betrayal. So leave, now. It’s never going to be easy, and I promise you its only going to get worse. By staying you are enabling them, if you really love them you will leave them so that they can finally heal, and see that what they are doing is not sustainable. Walk out that door, love them as you leave them, and enter the grief that comes with so much respect and tenderness for yourself. You have been through alot. IT’S TIME TO LET GO, and let god, and to heal. Remember you have been conditioned through this relationship to believe that is your fault that you are losing the love that you needed. IT IS NOT TRUE, It is a distortion created by the alcoholic,so that he never has to face himself.Have the courage to do what he cannot, face yourself, face the pain, and walk away. Real love is waiting for you.

  • Danielle

    Helena this is so true and what I am experiencing now. My BF of 6 years is a bad binge drinker coupled with drugs if he can sneak them. Works every day, super talented side hobby carpenter.
    But oh the drinking…and the lies. And the blame. It’s always our fault they drink the way they do. We are too nosy, too bitchy, too “up their ass” about their drinking.
    He justifies his drinking because he has held the same job for 25 years. Even his job enables him, they know he drinks at noon time and say nothing, it’s all a good ol boys club.
    Hung over and come in late? NO problem! See ya tomorrow!
    He is convinced he can control his drinking, yet the longest I have ever seen him do so is two weeks and let me tell you he was miserable every second of it.
    On days he tries not to drink, all he talks about is tomorrow when he can drink.
    And no matter what I do, or say, it’s all for naught because the alcoholic mind is inherently dishonest. It has to be to continue it’s destructive behavior!
    So I have finally ended it and he has agreed to leave in 2 months. Even though he could find a place to go, and miraculously has save enough to do so, he said he needs more “time” to save even more…which is just a delaying tactic I’ve been through before. I know in his mind he’s just going to try and act sweet to change my mind. But this time I am at the END of my rope and so, so damn tired of the loneliness, the gas lighting, the blame game, that it is over in my heart. I always have seen the good under the layer of vodka but given his refusal to seek help I have to act to save my sanity and live a happy life.
    I know I have let it drag on due to my abandonment issues, and am so willing to do the work. I no longer have to be embarrassed of his behavior, or worry people will find out what a rotten drunk he is. It’s his problem, not mine. I am a good hearted woman with so much to give to someone who will actually appreciate me.
    But man I know I have a lot of issues I need to deal with. It’s almost weird to think of a regular man actually showing gratitude and appreciation! Sometimes we self sabotage after being with someone steeped in booze, drugs, and insanity for so long. Not me. Not anymore. I am taking a stand. And very grateful I found this place.

  • Michael Brown


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