JC: John, thanks for sharing your story. I can empathize with you being unappreciated by your wife. It seems that I too wasted a lot of my life by staying in a difficult situation. I stayed so long because of my morals and religious beliefs. Although I share about difficult times on this site, I do have some incredibly good memories of good times spent with the alcoholic as well. You might want to take a look at this articles:
How To Take Care Of Myself In An Alcoholic Relationship
Alcoholic Is Getting Worse
Please feel free to leave a comment below the article.
Guest Post By: John
I got married when I was 18 to my wife who was 23 at the time with a disabled son already 5 years old, that was 38 years ago.
The battlefield that has been our marriage has scarred the lives of our 3 normal children and although I care deeply for my wife, I cannot cope anymore with the lies and arguments and my character assassination. So, I have left home again, the fourth time this year, these separations can last anything from 4 days to 4 weeks. By this time I miss her (the occasional nice side), and feel sorry for her as she seems to drink even more when I am not there and I worry for her health if it continues on that scale.
I relate totally with the audios that I have listened to on this website and wish that I had known how to deal with things differently years ago.
My children can remember coming home from school 20 years ago and knowing when they walked in the door whether she had been drinking or not, I seemed unaware of it as I was at work more in those days (she never got to the point of being unsteady on her feet then but she does now), not realizing that it may have been the reason we never seemed to be able to agree on anything and she always seemed keen to start an argument.
Since the children left home about 8 years ago the drinking has become heavier and 7 days a week even in the middle of the night and I cannot bear to watch her killing herself as she now eats very little, sleeps 7.00pm til 2.00 am and then wakes looking for an argument which leaves me exhausted at work.
I tried to join Al Anon but she came to one of the meetings unexpectedly and disrupted it accusing me of having affairs (when I got home) so I have not been back for 2 months. She makes out to other people that I am devious and that she does not trust me, which is completely unfounded.
I recently joined a band and we rehearse each week, which gives me something to look forward to each week, but it is difficult to enjoy yourself when you know your partner is at home drinking themselves silly.
Maybe I should have left permanently years ago, but my children say that they are glad I did not as I was the only reliable stable part of their lives when they were growing up.
Why do I feel like I have wasted my life on someone who does not appreciate me, probably because I have? Would I have done anything differently knowing what I know now, yes. I would not have taken the bait so often to argue trying to defend my character to an alcoholic while they are under the influence.
I know that now there are just the 2 of us living at home, I often feel that I do not want to be there anymore, especially in the middle of the night when she is being threatening. But when I am not there I feel homesick, I don’t know what the solution is, at the moment I feel inclined to go back to Al Anon and just face my wife’s anger and accusations and hope that it subsides with time, I just can’t bring myself to abandon her and leave her to it.
Maybe I’ve got what I deserved for being so easily dominated, in my efforts to keep the peace although that didn’t work either.
JC: If you feel like you are wasting your life with an alcoholic, check out this video by Will Smith. Every time I watch this I am motivated to do more with the time I’ve been given. Remember, there is a way to live with and love an alcoholic.
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