JC: Thanks DD for sharing from your heart. I am glad to hear your husband is sober. At what point does it become wrong to drink around your alcoholic husband by his standards (which seems to be a double standard)? I’m sure our readers will have many things to share with you in the comments section below. There’s a book called Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Menthat many of our readers have referred people to read. Perhaps you can gain some insight into what is happening in your situation by reading it. It sounds to me like there are some real control issues going on in your relationship. You might enjoy reading: How Do Alcoholics Manipulate.
Please feel free to leave a comment below the article.
Guest Post By: DD
I read “My Alcoholic Is Constantly Criticizing Me” and all the responses. My throat got tight and the tears started spilling. I could relate so deeply to all the feelings of confusion, self-doubt, frustration, being restricted… When it comes to being constantly criticized, it is so difficult to tell yourself that it’s HIS problem and just live your life the best you can without letting it drag you down. I have “embarrassed” him by the way I dress, the way I “dance in my chair” when I am enjoying music (I am not literally dancing, I just move my head or shoulders to the music sometimes) sometimes I eat too fast, “take over” conversations or smile at some one who is male. If dinner is not up to par it will be made known. He can’t just be gracious and appreciate that I make dinner every night.
We have been married for 13 years, together for 18 years. (Wow. 18 years. That just hit me now.) He has improved some over this time. He has been clean for more than 20 years, but I guess not completely sober.
Reading this blog was like a glass of cold water in my face. He blames me that we are drifting apart. You see, I am not an alcoholic. (co-dependent, yes.) But one of my favorite things in the world is red wine. He works in the alcohol industry and has brought me home wine our whole relationship. But if I have a third glass in an evening or at a party, he is livid. EVERYONE else can have whatever they want, but if I do the same thing, he’ll berate me and say “You make me uncomfortable when you drink. How could you put me in that position?” Meanwhile, he is often the one bringing the wine to the gathering and pouring for everyone as he tells them about that particular wine.
Am I wrong or bad that I like to enjoy it too? Sometimes, when I have to work late or I’ve had a rough week, I’ll come home to an opened bottle and a glass poured for me. But if I fall asleep while watching a movie on TV, I drink too much and it makes him uncomfortable. What the hell?
I just want to be allowed to be myself … Even if I do drink too much at a party (which does not mean I got drunk.) I embarrass him and make him uncomfortable. For argument’s sake, let’s say he’s 100% right and I am embarrassing. When he loses his temper or says something hurtful, how would he like to be treated? Why are his faults or mistakes or failures understandable and I’m just an embarrassment?
I work hard. We don’t have money to spare. I don’t go out with my friends or get my nails and hair done or buy expensive clothes. My enjoyment when I’m not working 40 hours or volunteering at church is going to a friend’s house and enjoying some wine and conversation and laughs. Should I not have that either? Seriously, am I wrong?