There are at least three ways to over come focusing on the alcoholic in your life. If you are anything like me, I was constantly wondering what the addict in my life either was doing or going to be doing. In such an overwhelming way, my thoughts were centered around whether they would be drinking or not consciously and subconsciously.
Focusing on another’s behaviors will rob us of enjoying our own lives. The momentum we gain when our goals and visions are being worked on is life altering for us and the lives that we interact with in our occupation or family. When we are dealing with an alcoholic and our focus gets off of our goals and dreams, we literally are robbed of the life we were intended to live.
If you are reading this now, there is a better way to live rather than always being worried about what the alcohol addicted friend or relative in your life is doing. The better way is going to require that you change the things you are focusing on. Stop focusing on the alcoholic in your life all of the time. Letting go of an alcoholic can be done, you just need to get the right help so you can do this.
Steps to stop constantly focusing on the alcoholic friend or relative:
1) Get involved in support group meetings-This is a must because there are people who have learned how to live in the midst of active drug addiction and alcoholism without focusing a lot of attention on their loved one or friend.
2) Start doing things that you enjoy-While interacting with others in the group meetings you will begin to establish relationships (new friends). You can then go to the movies, take walks, go to plays, watch sports together and begin to enjoy your life again without being obsessed with an alcoholic’s behavior.
3) Make a decision to stop analyzing the problem drinker-This may be one of the hardest things to do, but we must learn to stop trying to figure out if they have been drinking alcohol or are planning on doing this. Learn to read books when they are around, watch TV, work in the garden or whatever you like to do that will help you to not waist your emotions on trying to figure out what the problem drinker is up to or has been up to.
In my experience, the quickest way I learned how to stop focusing on the addict, problem drinker/alcoholic in my life happened by attending Al anon meetings on a regular basis. It was in those meetings and still is where I obtained the necessary tools and learned how to use them so that I could overcome my problem of constantly focusing my attention on the alcoholic’s behavior. The obsession over an alcoholic that goes along with this horrible disease is just too much for us to handle on our own. Literally decades of wisdom, passed down through generations of people who have attended Al anon support group meetings is available to you if you just pick up the phone and find out where the next meeting place is that you can attend. Trust me, if you do this and stick with it, your life will change for the better.
[…] If you can’t stop thinking about the person drinking in your life, read this article on How to Stop OVercome Focusing on An Alcoholic. […]
If there are support groups somewhere other than Al anon, please let me know. I tried Al Anon (several locations) and was disappointed as it was not what I was told it would be. Many people think al anon is the answer but for me it was not and here’s why.
There is no interaction allowed. There is no conversation, it is simply listening to people “share,” saying “thank you for sharing” and moving on to the next share. I spoke (“shared”) a couple of times then it was the next person’s turn. No interaction, no conversation. The majority of those who did share discussed how proud of themselves they were for leaving the alcoholic, and one discussed how here alcoholic went to rehab and has been sober 23 years.
At first I felt good about being in a group that I thought I could relate to.
However, I feel like I am the idiot who stayed with my alcoholic husband and I no longer felt comfortable sharing. I began trying to do other things “for myself” however I then broke my foot while trying to look out the window to see if a loud drunken friend of his was leaving our house.
He is currently in the hospital for his severe heart condition. He is also bordering on dementia but they refuse to address this. While I was visiting yesterday a social worker came in and asked if he would like help for his alcoholism. He told her “no” and she stated, “okay, that is your choice, we cannot force you.” I then tried to tell her he has mental health issues, we have daughters still living with us (young adults,but extremely affected by it )- I told her how our one daughter has panic attacks, but this was to no avail, it was all about was he wants. She told me about detachment and I told her I am trying to work on it but was set back due to the broken foot. I get pains in my chest when he goes on his loud drunken irrational rages and cannot sleep at night unless I take pills.
I had to call the police on him twice when the girls were little and they said if it happens again they will have to take to the our local mental/addiction abuse hospital. I have since come to the conclusion that it would not solve the problem mighteven make it worse.
In addition to bringing fellow alcoholics into our home, he has a brother who comes to our house and brings him more alcohol, encourages him to drink, and drinks with him. My daughters pleaded with their uncle not to, tried to make him understand how sick there father is. He kept on saying, “let him do what he wants.” One daughter said, you are not here when he is vomiting blood, and he told her so what if he vomits blood. He told my daughters so what if their father dies we are all going to die and pointed out to them that they too will die. (no mention that the average life span is 85) He told them the reason their father drinks is because he has 3 women bitching at him all the time.
We have no place to go and even if I could figure something out I don’t feel right about it at this time because he is so physically sick in addition to the alcoholism, and no matter what I have been told, I cannot help wanting to do the right thing for everyone involved.
All I can do is pray that my own health holds out, for the sake of my daughters as they have been through enough.
I have been crying out for help for about 20 years now, to doctors, lawyers, social workers and the like and the bottom line is they do not care. They just want to be paid. There seem to be no options other than having my heart, mind and soul continually ripped out, shredded and battered to death. I have tried so hard.
I still stand in my belief that the alcoholic controls everyone else’s world.
Don’t clean thebhouse, he will dirty it.
Don’t lay down, he will make u get up.
Don’t have friends, he will always be in your face.
There should be a drunk resort. They can stay together drunk, misersble, shouting, crying, and wrecking each other’s world.
The alcoholic group has got to be the most selfish, greet , disrespectful group ever.
And they are sick.
We are sick to ever give them any attention at all.
don’t focus on them, not allowed to —- them, not much u can do when they refuse to get out of your face.
Miserable life run by a scu bag. Police bring him home because he established residency in MY HOUSE
KEEP REWARDING THEM,things will let never chang for us poor victims
Fil
Oh.., not responsible. Wtf
Let go and let God… It’s up to you to get away and save your children.
I got no kids from him. Please
This sucker is in my house. Shoot me for once being kind
Termite in my butt.
No indication that he is wanted, needed or liked.
Yeah, God gonna handle this.
Believe me.
With a little help .
Betty. The priest says to pray for his untimely demise.
So, I m
I hope you find peace
I hope so also
Thanks
I feel the same as Betty and Filomena. There needs to be more assistance for those being abused, mentally and physically by these addicts. Most of these self help books and groups do not begin to address all of the side effects of detaching from them, especially if you’re legally tied to them. Tied to them not only through marriage, but with kids, mortgages, car insurance. They refuse to leave. They drink and drive. They lose their jobs, but won’t do the work involved to get unemployment. Everything they do affects the spouse and kids, so detaching so they feel the pain is much much much easier said than done!!!!
My wife is an alcoholic/addict. She ran our business into the ground, has smashed up 3 cars, been to jail, rehab, counseling, AA, you name it, we tried it. Nothing works. When I talked to a lawyer about a divorce, I was told she has a disease. So, I suppose I could pay lawyers to divide up what few assets are left, or just let her drink/drug herself to death.
Oh, by the way, while divorce proceedings are going on the woman stays in the house and receives a maintainence payment. A friend of mine in the same circumstances was forced out of the house. His wife turned the house into a 24-hour party… with the kids living there… He ended up blowing his brains out.
Sometimes I think about my alcoholic bi-polar
loved one dying. I will most likely feel sadness but mostly relief. Perhaps he will die of a heart attack or liver failure. I will definitely feel somewhat liberated in a strange way. I liked the al-anon meetings I went to. Trying to find one close to me this fall. I just find the alcoholic mentally and emotionally draining. Trying not to obsess with his unpredictable behavior and lying. He works at being sick and wallows in self pity. I don’t separate the disease from the person any more. He is the disease. They are one and the same. Actually, that has cleared things up a bit for me. He is sick disordered person who is also an alcoholic. No wonderful human being hiding somewhere inside. It is kind of like letting go of a fantasy you once had. Sad and disappointing.
Just a quick fyi.
Got a redtrainimg order.
,it did not stick but it was enough to get him out of my house in 3 months I have sold one of my homes I’ve been to the shore I’ve been out with my friends I feel so much, he is still crying call and drunk and in the same seat will stay in forever or until he wants to get help I’m so glad I did what I did help yourself and get away as quick as you can the alcohol it doesn’t let you cut the ties with them but you must for yourself good luck and God bless
I have an alcoholic husband, he has smashed up two of our cars. The first car he smashed the kids were with him and they ended up in hopital. He was unmarked but it pained me to see the kids. Ive been fending off his alcoholic friends for years, one he goes to work with and every day theyre out in the shed getting their fix. This guy is a pervert and tries it on with anything walking. Just another scumbag alcoholic. Ive left him once but felt sorry for him because he struggled with child support. He was lieing, he has just payed his arrears took him about 6 months. Everytime id go to his house it stunk he couldnt clean or do washing, and beer bottles everywhere. When id leave for a break id come see him partying inthe shed with his alcoholics. He also has bad days where he wants to get me and nothing i say will break his rage, he will only stop when he knows ive been deeply hurt. He tries to justify his bad behaviours. My brother is broke and moved in with us, been let go by his wife and my partner is not helping, they are both ganging up on me my brother does not support me. What to do..
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[…] my experiences and by attending support group meetings, I have learned how to overcome focusing on the alcoholic all of the time. I can help, just continue reading, […]