Alcoholic Boyfriend Is Taking Advantage Of Me

FrustratedGuest post by: Joy

I turned to this website for help,I was naive when I thought my live in boyfriend would slow down drinking. I believed and still do think he wants this relationship to work. I never realized an alcoholic would take advantage of a loving person.I now realize there are more problems than just the drinking when it come to alcoholics.

I’m in a catch 22, and confused about what to do. We share the household bills 50/50. But with my extra money I buy the groceries for us, and his son when he is over every weekend (child visitation from divorce), while he spends his money on beer and liquor, then tells me he is broke.

I need to eat so I buy the stuff along with household necessities.He has told me I have to buy it because I use the stuff, so he knows I will never go without food, toiletries,and laundry soap. So it is here for him to use. He is good when he controls how much he drinks, but it doesn’t change the fact,  I feel taken advantage of; no matter what,  he still won’t offer any money for anything except for 1/2 the actual bills, rent and utilities.

I cant/won’t move out because I paid the deposit to live here.  I also bought all of  the furniture,  he promised to pay 1/2 of the expense, but never did. I asked him to leave, but he wont. We both rent here and I cant force him out.I can deal with a lot, but so confused on how to handle the food, and money situation. I feel like he is in control. He goes to work, comes home, he has dinner, clean clothes and has a few drinks. He has the best of both worlds. He never has to go to the store, shop or anything. He knows I have to do those things for myself anyway, then he has everything here for him. I’m trying to stop my enabling, but caught in a catch 22. I need some advice..Please!

“Joy, thanks for sharing about your situation with your alcoholic boyfriend. Obviously, he isn’t willing to change. I agree, he is taking advantage of you. So, as hard as it is for me to say this, either change your attitude or change your address. I say this often, the alcoholic isn’t going to change until they hit bottom. So, we are the ones who must make the improvements to our lives. You could offer an ultimatum (Giving Alcoholics Ultimatums), just be prepared to follow through with it. Do you have the money to move? You shared that you asked him to move out; this suggest to me that this relationship isn’t important enough to hold on to. I suppose you could have him forced to move, but that’s an adversarial position to take. In the meantime of whatever is going to happen, find an Ala-non meeting and start participating regularly.”

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9 comments to Alcoholic Boyfriend Is Taking Advantage Of Me

  • Debbi

    You are right, you are in a catch-22 situation. JC’s advice is perfect–please follow it.

    Here are some small things you can try in the meantime:
    1-Only do your half of cooking, cleaning – let him take care of himself (his half). Cook and clean for yourself. He’s a big boy he can do his part.
    2-If there is a bill in his name (like electric) give your half after you subtract his half of the groceries.

    But as JC says you have to change your attitude or change your address. I found the things above to be temporary help with my attitude so it did not bother me quite as much but realize you are in a situation where you are being taken advantage of and maybe you first need to make him aware that this feels unfair to you and if he’s not willing to make changes you might have to change your address as JC says.

  • Brenda

    I agree with JC, change your address. If you cook, only cook enough for yourself, only do your own laundry, etc. Alcoholics are very manipulative people and do and say whatever it takes to get what they want. They are also very selfish. In my situation, my AH had a girlfriend in another country, who he was engaged to, lived with me as my husband for 7 months, after he got engaged, then left and married the girlfriend, while still married to me. My point in saying this I paid all the household bills, food, etc because these are things I couldn’t do without either, but we are married.His money was going for things for her and what not. You aren’t married to him and have no reason to put up with any of this.
    Take care of yourself first.

  • RJY

    I would agree with both JC and Debbi – the key is to make sure you follow-through. I too was in a relationship like yours. With my situation and my boyfriends drinking – he eventually lost his job, so I was left to pay for everything – his behavior finally (after 6 months) got us evicted, so please don’t think “everything will get better” – it won’t, either change your attitude or find a new address – I would say, find a new address – and if he is willing to get the help he needs maybe then you can hope for a future with him. And like JC said – go to Al-Anon, the fellowship is wonderful and you’ll be with others who have had the exact same experiences. Trust in your “higher power” to give you strength, as I know it’s hard to feel like your abandoning your boyfriend, but you need to take care of yourself. Good Luck – I’ll pray for you!

  • Nell

    Change the locks, Joy!!
    This is your home and your life. He is forcing you into enabling him to obtain his chemical of choice. Enable no more!
    Give him notice and move on with your life. You can’t help him to get well if you are supporting him to remain unwell.
    It’s time for him and his chemical addiction to take care of themselves!

  • Debra

    The next time rent is due, hand him a self written eviction notice. In most states you have to give a 30 or 60 day notice before you actually begin to take the steps to evict the person. Give him one copy and you keep the other, make sure he signs the copy he gives you. Get to the courthouse and obtain an eviction notice. When the 30 days are up (or 60 days) you need to look into the laws of your state. Then you pay the $25 fee and take the forms to the courthouse. Within 24 to 48 hours a Sherrif will come by and will physically escort him out of your apartment. It really isn’t that hard or that difficult at all. If your state doesn’t require 30 day waiting time, then all you need to do is go to the courthouse. For your own sense of decency, however, you may want to give him 30 days notice. Take all your valuables and stick them into a storage unit as soon as you can (preferrably before you give him the 30 day letter). Don’t worry about what he thinks. It can be quite easy and nice. All you do is make sure you file the document, pay the fee with the courthouse. Its really not that hard.

  • Santosh Nair

    Hi All,

    I have been reading to all these comments for a long time now. My husband is also an alcoholic, he has left his job three years and does not want to step out of the house. Gets up in the morning reads newspaper, starts his first drink at 11 am, sometimes he eats his lunch and sometimes not. Gets up at 4 pm, have another drink. Again sometimes he has his dinner and sometimes not. He is killing himself slowly, I feel sad about his situation but he does not want to listen to me. We have two kids, does not speak to them. If I ask why does not he speaks to the kids, he would say that because I do not earn, kids would like to listen to me. I feel like leaving him but then think of him that how is he going to take care of him. He does not want to speak to his mother and sisters as well. I try to find out job for him but he would say that he does not want to work for someone, he would like to have his own business. And he has been convincing me with this for the past twenty years. He sleeps in a separate room, looks his room in the night. Am really worried about him. Please help.

  • Elisabeth

    Santosh –

    Don’t stay there just because you are worried about who would take care of your AH. You’re not doing yourself, your kids, or even your husband any favors. As long as you are enabling him to live this life, he will continue to do so, for sure. Take the kids and leave. Taking care of the kids and yourself should be your priority. You can’t help him. Only he can help himself, if he wants to. Worrying yourself sick over him, trying to take care of him – these generous, loving acts are falling on someone who can’t appreciate them or you. That’s just my two cents.

    There are so many people on this site who can relate to your situation and you can learn from their stories. The bottom line is always the same, as said in above comments – “change your attitude or change your address.”

  • Amy

    My boyfriend is a bad alcoholic. He went in the ambulance last week because he drank too much. I am so tired of all this. I didn’t even go to the hospital, no one did, we left him there. He came home once again telling everyone it was his last time he is done with drinking. After a year of listening to this and trying to HELP him, I have grown tired of this and just decided to put my focus on myself and the kids, one of which is his, the other is mine.

    It seems he is drinking more and blaming everyone for everything. It seems he cannot stand the focus isn’t on him anymore. Last night he got drunk and told me he wants our relationship to be over. He said he can find someone better. He’s blaming me, says he is tired of my bitching. He even told his own kid that he can go live with his mother. Ever since he went to the hospital even when he is sober he ignores me. He’s always doing things outside, anything to keep away from me. I am at the point I am fine with him ignoring us.

    He thinks he can say all these mean horrible things to us and the next day he seems to think we are all just going to act like nothing happened. Myself, today, I am getting us, going to work then taking the kids to the beach, then going for a run, something I gave up doing along with everything else. It just seems the more the focus isn’t on him, the angrier and more drunk he is becoming. I guess I am just babbling. I really am just not sure what to do anymore.

  • Bruce

    Amy tell your future ex boyfriend to not let the door hit him in the rear. On his way out! None of this is your fault. Do what JC tells us. When the alcoholic tries to start trouble just smile and say sorry you feel this way. It works for me.

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