Guest Post:
Ironically enough, I’m submitting this entry right before my first Al-anon meeting tomorrow morning. I have had all I can take from my mother who has been an alcoholic even before I was born, or so I’m told. I have to point out that I am now a 29 year old adult in a healthy marriage with 2 children whom are 4 1/2 and 2 years old. Her drinking has gotten worse over the years and she also suffers from depression. She recently has gotten out of control, lying more, drinking more, driving drunk, saying horrible things around my children. I wrote her a letter about a week ago and only tonight I confronted her about it. I asked her if she got my letter, and she said yes but she didn’t want to talk about it because it was all lies, that I was a liar. I don’t know what I am supposed to do from this point on. She hung up on me and said ” I am not talking to you anymore” So does this mean I wait for her to call again? I cannot have her destructive lifestyle in mine or my families life any longer. But at the same time I feel sad because I feel like by writing this letter to her and getting her so mad at me I feel like I have cut her off and I’ve done something wrong. I felt devastated after she hung up on me, and telling me I’m lying. I wouldn’t lie about a thing, what do I have to gain from it? I’m not trying to hurt her I’m trying to help her…..
JC: Thanks for sharing your story. One of the things that came to mind is how alcoholics are good at turning the focus away from them onto us. It’s common for alcoholics to blame us for things that are not our fault. I’m sure that for many years you have battled with trying to NOT let your mother’s drinking problem consume your life. Al-anon will teach you how to overcome focusing on the alcoholic and how to enjoy your family without all of the drama that is associated with interacting with your mother.
Feel free to offer your experience, strength and hope in the comments section below.
It is good that you are starting Al-Anon. I have not been in the program long–a little over a month–but already I am seeing a difference in how I react–or should I say DON’T react–to the alcoholic in my life. It’s not perfect but it’s better. If you give it time, Al-Anon will help you learn to “detach with love”, as they call it, and not feel guilty for setting boundaries between yourself & your children, and your mother. The Serenity Prayer is often recited in Al-Anon (Al-Anon does not push any one religion on it’s members; God is petitioned as we understand Him (or Her, etc.) But the Serenity Prayer is “God, help me to accept the things I cannot change (the alcoholic’s drinking habit), the courage to change the things I can (my attitude towards the alcoholic and their effect on my life) and the wisdom to know the difference”. Good luck at Al-Anon. Keep going! Healing takes time. You have been dealing with someone’s alcoholism for 29 years. There’s no magic wand. Give yourself ample time to heal. God Bless!
I can relate totally to how you are feeling. My daughter was drinking and driving at weekend and went to visit my dad in hospital ( he just had a stroke) and really upset him because he knew she had been drinking.
When I confronted her about it on sunday she totally denied having been drunk and hasnt spoken to me since as though I have done something wrong!?! Living in the same house makes it all the more difficult to live with. I have been going, on an off, to al anon meetings for over a year and try to understand the detachment issue. I find it so difficult to practice but keep on trying. My mother is also in hospital just now having had a mental breakdown so between visiting both my parents in different hospitals daily I am unable to deal with my daughters alocholism at the same time. She has had seizures, liver failure and repeated attempts at rehab all to no avail. At only 25 its so hard to give and let god knowing I am likely to outlive my only child.
I wish you every success in the Al Anon program and hope it brings some serenity to your life
##Gail
Young lady, you go to alanon this will help you with your mom. You can’t help your mom at this point but you help yourself. And pray everyday. Because unless you stay away from her for awhile she will drive you crazy, I know it almost happened to me with my husband. I left him; have been gone since oct 2011 and yes it’s great. He’s making a change for the better but one day at a time. I love him but I refused to live that way again. Take a stand for you.
Dear Guest Poster:
Your mother will have forgotten saying “I am not talking to you anymore”. Or if she does, she’ll not have meant it. Take it as meaning ‘she didn’t want to talk to you at that particular moment in time’ not forever. She just didn’t like her failings pointed out to her by your letter, whatever you told her. Sometimes it’s best to not say anything to her, but definately let it all out at al anon with people that understand and can help you find strategies for dealing with your difficult alcoholic mother. Your mother has to work out for herself that she is alcoholic and needs help and a detox program to get back to the land of the living and alive. So ring her again when you feel capable and ready. Chances are she’ll not remember saying that, or she didn’t mean it and appreciates you contacting her. Leave it to her to contact you, and she’ll feel ashamed and embarrassed to admit she didn’t mean it but not feel strong enough to be the one to reach out to you. Alcoholics are weak and resort to the bottle to help them cope with relationships and dealing with the everday stuff. She’s not well and needs some compassion. So forgive her harsh meaningless words. You’ll feel better for it, and she will too. She mightn’t say so, but she’ll be pleased you’ve forgiven and forgotten those harsh words. It the moment is right tell her you love her and by gones are by gones, best forgotten and today is a new day and we are going to love each other and be nice to each other from today.
Go to al anon to learn all about dealing with her for your sake and your family’s. God bless you. Read on this site too, it’s an excellent site for learning how to love and live with an alcoholic, or perhaps even, how to walk away.
Thank you to everyone for the comments. I did go to my first Alanon meeting that night, I went to an Adult Children Of Alcoholics meeting, and I ended up going on a speaker night. The speaker said things that I would have never dreamed I would connect with, alot of the things they said was like they were living my life, and felt how I felt. It felt like a family. To the person who said my mother would probably not remember saying to me she didn’t want to talk anymore, you’re right, she didn’t. I’ve talked to her 1 time since that night and the time I did she acted like everything was fine, just as happy as could be. I’ve decided now, with the support of my husband, and aunt that I need to start healing myself before I can work on my relationship with my mother, somehow, someway I need to stop seeing her as a threat and just live my life. But right now there isn’t alot of time where I don’t think about her… I’m not sure how to get over that, like someone else commented, I have been living with her drinking for 29 years, it doesn’t get better overnight. But I also know that I expected her to act like everything was ok and avoid the problems. She always has. This site has been very helpful, and the emails have been comforting. Thanks for taking your time to comment back to me. I appreciate it.
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